Bruce Pearl Apologizes In Advance For Setting Billy Donovan’s Car On Fire

KNOXVILLE, TN--Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl apologized in advance today for setting Florida coach Billy Donovan’s car on fire following a game Wednesday night. Pearl promised to pay for all the damages to the car and to tone down his frequently bizarre behavior in the future.

“I just want to apologize to Billy, to the entire Florida basketball program, and to Tennessee, who I will embarrass with my behavior tomorrow night,” Pearl said yesterday in an interview with Dan Patrick. “I will mean no harm or disrespect by dousing coach Donovan’s SUV with gasoline and setting it on fire. I’m a very competitive person and sometimes let my emotions get the best of me. However, my actions tomorrow will be inexcusable.”

Pearl admitted that he doesn’t’ know the outcome of Wednesday’s game yet, but that it didn’t matter, since he would go through with his act of vandalism either way.

“If we lose the game, obviously I’m going to be very upset and do something rash,” he said. “You know how I can get sometimes. If we win the game, I’ll be so pumped up that I’m going to want to do something to fire up my players. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not a matter of disrespecting the Gators, it’s a matter of celebrating with my own team. When I extinguish the fire with my urine, however, that will be a matter of disrespecting the Gators.”

The car fire incident will not be the first time that Pearl has been in trouble. Just last week he ruffled feathers by sending his own players into the stands at Georgia’s Stegeman Coliseum following a victory against the hometown Bulldogs. He apologized for the incident and once again claimed that he meant no disrespect to the opposition.

“That was a celebration of our fans, who showed up at the game to support us,” Pearl said. “We wanted to show them a little appreciation, that’s all. At the time it didn’t occur to me that sending our own players into the stands after they just beat the home team would be offensive to the home team. People are just more sensitive these days.”

When told of Pearl’s plan to torch his car, Billy Donovan was not surprised. In fact, he accepted Pearl’s apology and called him “a fiery competitor.”

“He’s going to set my car on fire? Oh, damn. That sucks,” Donovan told reporters after practice Tuesday. “I just bought that thing, too. Oh well, at least he was man enough to admit that he’s going to make a mistake. Apology accepted. This is an emotional game and we’re all competitors. Sometimes people do things in the spur of the moment that they regret later. This isn’t the spur of the moment, though. This is premeditated. Still, the premeditation was probably spur of the moment.”

Pearl has been credited with resurrecting the Tennessee basketball program. His energetic style and boundless energy have rubbed off on players and fans alike. The school’s athletic director, Mike Hamilton, seems willing to accept Pearl’s erratic behavior in exchange for precious victories.

“Bruce is high maintenance. Everybody knows that,” said Hamilton, who has had to apologize in the past for his coach’s indiscretions. “He’s a good man, though, and a good coach. His heart is in the right place. I’m really disappointed by what he’s going to do tomorrow night and I would like to apologize to the University of Florida. I’m sorry my coach is a psychopath. Please forgive me. He wins games. I have no choice but to put up with him.”

While Pearl hopes that Wednesday night’s incident will be his last controversy, he admitted that he could offer no guarantees, especially with the NCAA tournament beginning in March.

“The tourney is going to be real emotional for me. I can definitely see myself doing something crazy like tearing my shirt off and running into the stands or body slamming a cheerleader. I just hope I keep winning, because if I start losing I’ll end up coaching in Buttfuck, Texas and starring in some second rate reality show that borders on self parody.”

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