PHILADELPHIA--Just one year after being fired as head coach of the New York Knicks, coach Larry Brown is plotting his return. According to a report in Monday’s Philadelphia Inquirer, Brown will take the reigns of the 76ers next season, where he will coach three years before having a falling out with management and accepting a job with the Charlotte Bobcats.

A league source said Maurice Cheeks would be fired at the end of the season to make room for Brown.

“It’s over for Maurice in Philadelphia,” said the source. “Larry has been hanging around the front office lately, and it’s been decided that he’ll move behind the bench when this season is over. Of course, things will start to go sour after around three years, which is why he is working on an agreement to take over the Bobcats after that. So he’s basically going to be locked up for the next six years or so, provided his falling out with the 76ers doesn’t happen after only one or two years, in which case he has a contingency plan to take over the Golden State Warriors prior to joining the Bobcats.”

The source said that Brown is returning to Philadelphia because of a deep, abiding love for the city, approximately $40 million, and a chance to beef up his resume.

“Larry has a special place in his heart for Philadelphia,” the source said. “He really loves it there and wants to be a part of that team’s resurgence. Of course, he doesn’t love it so much that he’ll want to stay there forever. He’ll get bored. He’ll want a new challenge. People like Larry always want new challenges. It’s a sign of greatness and crippling insecurity.”

The Bobcats intend to keep Bernie Bickerstaff around until Brown is ready to take over. Bickerstaff, who is also the GM of the team, said he will gladly step aside for the highly regarded Brown.

“I would have no problem surrendering the coaching job to Larry,” said Bickerstaff. “He’s one of the greats in the game. Of course, I can’t make any official comments about negotiations, but let’s just say if he were to come here, I would gladly step aside and join the front office. It would be very flattering if he were to leave a team like the 76ers to come to us. We know what a staunchly loyal person he is.”

This will be Brown’s second coaching tenure with the Sixers. He coached in Philly from 1998 to 2003, before moving on to Detroit, where he won a world championship. He then moved on to the Knicks, where he was fired after one tumultuous season. Despite his sometimes contentious relationships with front offices, Brown is still in high demand.

Even some Sixers players came out in support of the possible Brown hiring.

“I think a coach like that would be exactly what we needed,” said forward Andre Iguodala. “He’s a disciplinarian, he’s defensive minded, and he’s won a championship. That’s good enough for me. I understand that he is kind of a…how can I put this nicely…‘complicated’ person. Who cares? You can win with a complicated person. Remember, this is the guy who hated the Knicks, who treated those players like worthless, stinking dogs. How can you not love him?”

According to sources, the contract with the Sixers will be exactly three years in duration and can be terminated any time in the third season in case the situation becomes untenable. This will prevent any ugly front office bickering like Brown experienced with the Knicks.

“The final year, both parties expect their relationships will have deteriorated,” said the source. “The question is, how bad will it get? Just in case it’s totally, ragingly awful, there is a clause which says the team can terminate the deal with no buyout, in which case Brown would go directly to Charlotte in the middle of the season. Then he’ll do three years there, piss everybody off and then leave again. I only wonder what he’ll do after Charlotte. Maybe go back to the Knicks. By that time everybody associated with his one year there should be out of the league.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.