DALLAS--The new Dallas Cowboys stadium, scheduled to open in 2009, will accommodate 80,000 people and cost $1 billion, making it one of the most expensive stadiums ever built. The ultra-modern structure will be used for a variety of purposes, and has been designed to withstand a Category 8 hurricane, floods and wildfires, in anticipation of the next 30 or so years of weather-related catastrophes.

David Mackey, president of HKS, the architectural firm that designed the stadium, is hoping the building will still be standing by 2050.

“Well, we did everything we could do make sure this thing is secure,” said Mackey, who also designed Ameriquest Field in Arlington, Texas. “But with all this crazy, ‘extreme’ weather that’s been going on, you never know. So we made it able to withstand 300 mile per hour winds, wildfires, floods, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and frog storms. That should just about cover us for the next 30, 40 years. After that, we might have to build a new, flying stadium and blast it into outer space.”

Mackey remembers a time when stadiums were built to withstand only moderate hurricanes.

“I remember when the biggest concern was a Category 3 or 4 hurricane,” he recalled wistfully. “Oh what heady days those were! I miss them. Who ever would have guessed it would come to this? We actually had to do a computer simulation of a giant glacier floating down from the North Pole and flooding the eastern seaboard. Know what happened? Texas became part of the east coast, which was kind of cool because our new stadium became waterfront property. But the downside was the whole eastern seaboard was drowned.”

The stadium can also be used as a shelter in the event of catastrophic hurricanes, tornadoes, global superstorms, or fire-storms, as described in the Book of Exodus.

In the event of a new ice age, the stadium will be large enough to support 10,000 people for 6 months before supplies run out, at which point a stockpile of cyanide tablets will be on hand to assist in mass suicide.

“We are prepared from a Texas-style apocalypse,” said owner Jerry Jones. “We’ve planned for everything, and spent a helluva lot of money doing it. If you’re in Cowboy stadium when that Category 8 hits, you won’t know a thing about it. Bodies will be flying around, splattering against our 86 foot glass wall, and you’ll be enjoying the game or the rodeo or the convention. Of course when you leave you'll probably be killed, but that's not our responsibility.”

As for other local venues, Jones could make no such guarantees.

“I do worry sometimes about Ameriquest Field over in Arlington and American Airlines Arena here in Dallas,” said Jones. “If one of those buildings is uprooted and flies through the air and torpedoes into our stadium, I’m not sure the roof will hold. And my God, imagine if the roof is open and American Airlines Arena comes flying through and lands on the 50 yard line? Okay, I’m letting my imagination get the best of me. Sorry, I just watched An Inconvenient Truth followed by The Day After Tomorrow.”

In addition to being an architectural marvel, the stadium will also be environmentally friendly. In order to save power, only one 60-yard long video board will be installed.

“I’m pretty conscious of the environment these days,” said Jones. “So I insisted that if we’re going to build a video board that spans from one 20-yard line to the next, we should only have one of them. And we’re not going to do an F-15 flyover before every single Cowboys game like I originally intended. And we’re not going to require fans to leave their cars running for the duration of the games, either. We all have to do our part, so when our cities lay in ruin from catastrophic storms, we can say we made a token effort to prevent it.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.