Hung Over Bill Parcells Wonders Who The Hell He Just Drafted

DALLAS--Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells awoke Sunday morning with a raging headache and upset stomach, wondering who in the hell he drafted the day before. Parcells and owner Jerry Jones spent the day in a drunken reverie, abandoning their original draft plan and picking players at random. Both men vowed never to get drunk before the NFL draft again.

“Ohhh, my head feels like a goddamn truck ran over it,” Parcells said Sunday, during a telephone interview from his hotel room. “What the hell happened yesterday? Who did we draft? Did we get Steven Jackson? What? He was available and we didn’t take him? Oh fuck. That’s the last time I let Jerry [Jones] talk me into getting hammered before the draft.”

Parcells and Jones apparently started their Saturday at the famed Tavern on the Green restaurant, where they ate brunch and enjoyed several glasses of red wine. Then they proceeded to the Temple Bar on Lafayette Street where they quickly knocked down five shots of highly expensive Cognac. After that, the drunken pair finally made their way to Madison Square Garden for the NFL draft. Witnesses said the two spent the day “guzzling beer” in the war room and horsing around. When it came time to select a player, Jones and Parcells inexplicably traded down, passing on the best running back in the draft and failing to fill a major hole in their team.

“I traded with who? The Bills? Oh God, why would I do that?” asked Parcells. “I traded down 21 picks and picked up Julius fucking Jones? Unbelievable. This is embarrassing.”

Members of the Cowboys front office reportedly pleaded with Parcells and Jones not to part with the pick, but to no avail. The two were inebriated and impossible to reason with.

“When it was time to pick, we were so excited that Jackson was still available,” said Brian McKay, assistant vice-president of player development. “It would’ve been a real coup for us to grab him so low in the draft, but Bill and Jerry got sidetracked when [Bills GM] Tom Donohoe called. Bill answered, and was like ‘Tommy! What’s up, buddy? What do you wanna do? Make a trade? Let’s make a trade! Let’s make a deal! Ha Ha Ha. Just call me Monty Hall!’ Jerry was laughing his butt off. They were really amusing themselves. Anyway, the end result is we got Julius Jones, a couple of low picks, and a number one for next year. Great. Should we start ordering the Superbowl rings now?”

Donohoe himself said he was surprised at how readily the Cowboys unloaded their top pick. He later claimed that he was only calling to say hello to Parcells and made a joke during the conversation about taking the Cowboys first pick. Parcells thought it was a “great idea”, and immediately closed the deal.

“He was laughing heartily. I could tell he was in a jovial mood,” said Donohoe, who used the pick to select quarterback JP Losman. “I said ‘Hey, Parcells, gimme that pick, dammit’ in a joking manner of course. And he said yes. He said he was like Monty Hall from that show Let’s Make a Deal. And that was it. The next thing I knew I had Dallas’ first pick. Geez, I hope he’s not having second thoughts now.”

Parcells and Jones are now faced with the task of turning their motley collection of draft picks into professional football players. They go into the 2004 season with more questions than answers, and may forever wonder what might have been had they taken Jackson.

“He would’ve been great for us,” said Jones. “In fact, we talked about how amazing it would be if he dropped down to our 22 spot. Well, he did, and we blew it. I don’t know what got into me. I’m not even a big drinker, normally, but I guess the tension and anxiety of the draft got to me, and the booze helped me loosen up a little. I don’t know why I took that first sip, anyway. Last time I got that drunk I hired Dave Campo.”

After trading with the Bills and picking up Julius Jones, the Cowboys used the rest of their picks to select a random group of individuals that filled no particular need. Jones and Parcells reportedly took turns throwing darts at the draft board, and used that strategy to select their remaining second, third, fourth, and fifth round picks. For their three seventh round picks, Parcells and Jones sought the expertise of draft guru Mel Kiper Jr.

Kiper says he was accosted by Parcells in the men’s room during a commercial break.

“He came up behind me while I was pissing, put his arm on my shoulder and started yelling in my ear,” said Kiper. “He was slurring his words and his breath smelled like booze. I was pretty surprised because I’d never seen Parcells carry on like that. He was saying ‘Hey, Mr. Draft Guru, tell me who has the most upside out of the rest of these guys. Come on, Mr. Expert. Who has the most upside?’ He laughed every time he said ‘upside’ like it was some big joke. I think he was making fun of me. In fact, I know he was making fun of me. That’s why I told him to pick [Nathan] Jones, [Patrick] Crayton, and [Jacques] Reeves. Those guys are stiffs. Who’s laughing now, Tuna-man?”

In the end, Parcells and Jones will have to live with the damage they have wrought. The draft picks may look disturbing in the harsh light of morning, but the Cowboys’ brain trust will try and make the best of the situation. Coach Parcells has a reputation for being able to “coach up” players, and the class of 2004 will be his biggest challenge.

“This is kind of like taking a girl home from a bar and then waking up in the morning and realizing she’s a dog,” said Parcells. “I really messed up, but I’m not going to sit around and cry over it. I’ve got a job to do, and I’ve got to mold these guys into players, or get rid of them and cut my losses. Either way, I’ll be fine. I’ve got such a sterling reputation that I could commit genocide and not lose my job.”