Yanks Demand Royals Hand Over Carlos Beltran ‘Immediately’

NEW YORK--The New York Yankees want Carlos Beltran. The star centerfielder has been in their sites since the beginning of the season and with the pennant race heating up, Steinbrenner’s team is making an aggressive move to bring him into the fold. Since the Yanks are short on minor league talent and unable to put together an attractive trade package, they’ve issued a warning to the Royals to hand over Beltran “immediately”, or face the consequences.

“We’re issuing an ultimatum to the Royals,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “Hand over Beltran immediately or face sanctions and possibly the use of force. Come on, guys. The gig is up. We want the guy and everyone in the league knows we’re getting him. Don’t worry about compensation. Your compensation is that we won’t destroy you.”

Cashman indicated that the team would not negotiate with the Royals, and that Beltran should be turned over without conditions.

“Why should we negotiate with them? Carlos belongs to us,” said Cashman. “He’s young, he’s talented, he's rich—it’s against the laws of nature to see him in something other than pinstripes. The Royals have absolutely no right to continue to hold this player hostage, and if they don’t come around soon there will be serious trouble. Trust me. We’re the Yankees. We have our own Army.”

Sources close to the Yankees said that they will try economic sanctions before resorting to the use of force. The sanctions would deprive the Royals of any revenue sharing income they are entitled to from the Yankees. Under the new collective bargaining agreement, the Yankees shell out over 160 million dollars yearly to smaller market teams. The Royals are one of the clubs that depends on that revenue to keep them afloat, and robbing them of those funds could hamper their ability to sign free agents.

“We really need that money,” said Royals GM Alan Baird. “That money was going to be put toward signing Carlos at the end of the year. So if they do go forward with these sanctions, we won’t be able to sign him anyway. This is quite a predicament. But at least I got my name in the paper.”

The Royals have put on a tough stance publicly, but privately many within the organization believe it is inevitable for Beltran to be a Yankee by the end of the year.

“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out. Carlos is going to be in the Bronx by the end of this season,” said one Royals official. “I know Alan [Baird] wants to work out a deal with them. I think, at this point, he would take just about anyone or anything. But the Yankees are playing hard ball. Next thing you know, Alan will wake up with a horse’s head on his pillow. Hell, it'll probably be Smarty Jones. That Steinbrenner spares no expense.”

In an effort to show how serious they are, the Yankees have surrounded Kaufman Stadium with storm troopers, tanks, and heavy artillery. With each passing day, they come closer and closer to removing Beltran by force. Steinbrenner has repeatedly stated that the use of force is a last resort, but the Yankees are clearly preparing for that eventuality.

“Look, the last thing Mr. Steinbrenner wants to do is go into Royals offices, guns blazing, and pull that guy out by force,” said Cashman. “But we’re not going to shy away from the confrontation if that’s what we have to do. There is a very simple solution to all this: Hand over Beltran. Do it peacefully and without condition, and we will leave. Otherwise, the Royals organization will be no more. Not that anyone would care. I think the world could do without Angel Berroa, Jeremy Affeldt, and Joe Randa, don’t you?”

If the Royals are looking for help from the league, they're not going to get it. Bud Selig has already indicated that he would not become involved in the matter.

“No thanks. I'm not getting involved in this one,” said Selig. “I already pissed off Steinbrenner with the whole revenue sharing thing, and I'm not pushing my luck anymore. I'd like to keep my job, you know.”

As of yesterday, there was no word from the Royals camp on whether they would be willing to part with Beltran for nothing. The most recent offer came last week when Baird pleaded with the Yankees to offer just one prospect in return for the Royals best player.

“Please, please just give us something,” said Baird. “Anything, just to save face. How about Raul Gonzalez? He’s in double A. He’s a righty reliever with a 4.55 ERA who has had Tommy John surgery twice and can’t see out of one eye. How about him? Or how about Jay Severs? He’s a utility infielder with a terrible swing and a crippling drug dependency problem. He’ll probably be out of the league within a couple years. Please. Anything. Anything at all.”

The Yankees' response made it clear that negotiations are not an option.

“This is an outrageous demand from the Royals,” said Cashman. “They are on thin ice with Mr. Steinbrenner, I can tell you that. If they keep wasting our time with these so-called ‘offers’ we will have no choice but to take Carlos by force. We have patience, but our patience is wearing thin. The world will not wait forever for Mr. Baird and his henchmen to come around.”

When reached for comment, Beltran seemed surprised at all the fuss. The 27-year-old said that the Royals should just cut their losses, and hand him over to the Yankees in order to avoid further trouble.

“I’m sorry to cause so much trouble. I really hope this thing can end peacefully,” said Beltran. “The Yankees have made it pretty clear where they stand. As far as I can see, the Royals are backed into a corner. Nobody in the league is going to support their decision to hold me hostage like this. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing for the Royals. They have nice uniforms and a pretty waterfall in centerfield. And their barbecue is really tasty. Earlier this year, when I said ‘Get me out of this whitebread, God-forsaken house-of-horrors', I was just a little stressed out. I didn’t mean it. I just hope this whole thing gets resolved without anyone getting hurt. By the way, if I was one of those storm troopers, I would come into the ballpark through that little chain link fence at the north end of the parking lot. Nobody every guards there. I’ll be waiting with my bags packed. “