Kurt Warner Still Waiting For God To Heal His Thumb

ST LOUIS, MO--According to an Associated Press report, Rams quarterback Kurt Warner is still waiting patiently for the Lord Jesus Christ to heal his damaged thumb. The QB has refused all medical treatment, claiming that God will fix his injury when the time is right. Unfortunately, Warner is on the verge of being released as a result of his thumb problems and God doesn’t seem to have any sense of urgency to save his career.

“God works in mysterious ways,” said Warner. “He can also work in extremely slow ways, and that’s why my thumb has not yet healed. I pity people who believe that God does not take an active interest in their personal lives. Of course he does. What else does he have to do with his time?”

Though his career and health have deteriorated greatly since his improbable rise to fame four years ago, Warner is content to put his life into the hands of the Messiah. He is quick to point out that the suffering he is enduring is nothing compared to what Jesus went through.

“Oh, sure my thumb hurts. Big deal,” said Warner. “Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ went through a lot more than that. Have you seen The Passion of the Christ? That guy was beaten, stabbed, whipped, spit on, and humiliated. Granted, I experienced something similar in my last start against the Giants, but at least I had pads on.”

Warner, a born-again Christian, puts more faith in religion than in modern medical science. Though several doctors have offered to work on his injured thumb, Warner has decided “not to insult” his personal savior by seeking the assistance of mere mortals. If God wants his thumb to be healed, God will heal it.

“The Bible says that all things are possible through faith. It states that clearly in, like, every single Book,” said Warner. “So why would I go out of my way to ask these quacks to use their machines and technology and ‘know-how’ to fix my ruined thumb? That would be an insult. That would be like benching your long-time starting quarterback in favor of some green rookie. What a slap in the face.”

Warner’s teammates and coaches have watched in despair as his career has fallen apart at the seams. Once a golden-armed gunslinger and America’s favorite Cinderella story, Warner is now just another aging backup quarterback in the twilight of his career. Time and injury have robbed him of his effectiveness, and Warner is doing nothing to stop the slide.

Coach Mike Martz is at the end of his rope with his friend and quarterback. Warner’s skills have eroded to the point where Martz can’t even afford to put him in a game. There were even some allegations that Warner’s religious convictions were hurting his relationship with the coaching staff, but Martz put those to rest.

“I have nothing against Kurt’s religion. I think it’s great for a man to have faith,” said Martz. “But his thumb looks like a goddamn pretzel. God’s not doing anything about it. Don’t get me wrong, Our Lord Jesus Christ seems like a really nice guy, but he sure is taking his friggin time healing this injury. Clearly he doesn’t give two shits about the St. Louis Rams.”

Ironically enough, Warner’s biggest supporter so far has been Marc Bulger, the man who replaced him as starting quarterback. Bulger and Warner both share the same deep religious convictions, so Bulger fully understands Warner’s decision to wait around for God. He also shares in his frustration with the deity’s deliberate pace.

“It is frustrating, to tell you the truth,” said Bulger. “We pray and we pray and we pray, and the thumb still hurts. I’m sure if Kurt were a leper or something, Christ would be all over it. He does like to do dramatic, spectacular things like that. Unfortunately, a bum thumb probably just doesn’t excite him very much. So Kurt just needs to be patient and wait for Christ the Savior. He’ll get around to it one of these days.”

The Lord may get around to the issue of Kurt Warner’s thumb one day, but his team is not waiting around. As of press time the Rams were preparing to release their former starting QB, and there hasn’t been much interest from other teams in retaining his services. With his career on the line, many are wondering just how far Warner will go to stand by his religious convictions.

Marshall Faulk, Warner’s longtime teammate, is also a practicing Christian. But he believes that religion and football don’t mix.

“I’m Catholic too, man. But you don’t see me letting it get in the way of my career,” said Faulk. “See, you can have your cake and eat it, too. Modern day Catholics only go to church on holidays, pray once in a while, and basically do whatever they want. Kurt’s problem is he takes it way too seriously. If God really cared about football, would he have let Ray goddamn Lewis win a Superbowl MVP? Would he allow that prick Bill Belichick to keep winning Superbowls? OK, so the Raiders shit the bed, but I don’t think that was God’s doing. That was just bad karma. My point is that football and religion are two separate things and should be treated that way. Kurt, your career is in jeopardy, your thumb looks like something out of a horror movie, and nobody likes you anymore. Maybe this is God’s way of telling you to stop thinking about him and start thinking about throwing the goddamn ball.”

If and when Warner gets released by the Rams, he will need to aggressively shop himself to other teams and prove that he can still play football. However, he insisted that the Lord will place him on the right path, and it’s not his place to try and alter his plan.

“If I get released, then I’ll just wait for God’s instructions,” said Warner. “If he wants me to go to the Bears, he’ll tell me. If he wants me to go to the 49ers, he’ll tell me. If he wants my thumb to rot off my hand until it’s dangling by a sliver of skin, he’ll tell me. Didn’t you ever read the story about the footprints? God is carrying the guy through the most difficult time in his life. That’s me. He’s carrying me. Unfortunately, it’s not my feet that are the problem. It’s my thumb. Put me down, God. I can walk.”