DETROIT--Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine violated his own clubhouse beer ban on Saturday after watching pitcher Josh Beckett give up 7 runs in 4.2 innings in his first start of the season. The skipper showed up to the post game press conference visibly intoxicated while holding a can of Budweiser.
When asked to explain himself, Valentine said that “rules are made to be broken.”
“OK, so I made this stupid rule and now it’s broken,” Valentine slurred to reporters. “So what? Rules are made to be broken. It’s not like I’m smoking crack in here. Oh shit, beer’s empty. Yo, clubhouse boy! Beer me!”
Valentine said he came into the season with the best of intentions but “it all went to shit” in the fourth inning of Saturday’s game against the Tigers.
“Right in the fourth inning, when Josh gave up another dinger to what’s-his-face, the free agent with the tattoos? I sent the clubhouse boy to grab me a 12-back,” said Valentine. “Before I knew it, I was out back cracking my first frostie. Holy shit did that go down easy. Second one went down even easier. 10 beers later I was walking out to the mound feeling no pain, which is why I didn’t jump on top of Josh and start choking him.”
Once he started drinking, Valentine didn’t see any reason to stop.
“Once I had the first few, I was just like 'it’s on' and I was pounding the rest of the game. I tell ya, it really took the edge off. Sure I look like a hypocrite, but that doesn’t bother me one bit. Well, not until I go back in that clubhouse and Adrian [Gonzalez] gives me that look. Jesus, it’s like having Mother Superior as your first basemen. Grow a dick, will you?”
In the clubhouse, word spread pretty quick about the manager's drinking. While some players were disappointed in Valentine, others were excited that the beer ban was lifted, if only for one night.
As for Beckett, he was embarrassed to have driven his manager to drink.
“Jesus, I’ve had some bad outings before but I’ve never driven my manager to drink before,” he said. “I guess I don’t blame him. That was really ugly. I couldn’t find the plate at all. Kind of ironic that the guy largely responsible for the beer ban is also the guy responsible for overturning it, isn't it? What’s next? Buckets of chicken? Heh, heh, heh…too soon?”
When asked whether the clubhouse beer ban would be overturned for good, Valentine was adamant.
“Hell no. It’s a policy I implemented for a reason and its not going anywhere. This was just a minor blip on the radar screen. After this, you won’t see Bobby Valentine drinking in the clubhouse until we win the pennant! Or until Dice-K makes his 2012 debut – whichever comes first.”
Copyright 2012, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Bobby Valentine Violates Clubhouse Beer Ban After Seeing Josh Beckett Pitch
|April 9, 2012|