NEW YORK--Raffi Torres of the Phoenix Coyotes has been suspended 25 games for a vicious hit on Chicago’s Marion Hossa during Game 3 of Coyotes-Blackhawks series. Forced to miss the rest of the playoffs and the beginning of the regular season, Torres, who has been suspended three times in the past 13 months, will spend his suspension reflecting on why he didn’t just kill the son of a bitch.

“I have a lot of soul searching to do,” said Torres. “A lot of personal reflection. Probably my biggest regret is not just killing the son of a bitch in the first place. I mean, if I knew I was going to be penalized 25 games I would have just finished him off right there. Sure, it would have added another 5 to 10 games to my suspension, but it would have been worth it.”

In fact, if Torres had another chance, he knows exactly how he would do it.

“Simple. After he hit the ground, I would have just taken a flying elbow to the back of his head,” said Torres. “You get somebody right in the back of the head – right here where the neck meets the head – you can put them out in a second flat. I saw it in a karate movie once. I’ve been dying to try that move for years.”

Over the years, Torres has built a reputation for going at people’s heads.  While he understands he is hurting his team by incurring so many suspensions, Torres says he can't change the way he plays.

“I just go out there and play hard and let the chips fall where they may,” said Torres.  “I'll never change that. I can't. It's who I am. And soon I'll be back from my suspension and picking up where I left off. I just hope Hossa's injury isn't career ending. I'd love to get another crack at the guy.”

Meanwhile, Torres’ coaches and teammates are complaining that the punishment is too harsh, especially in light of the fact that the hit didn’t even draw a penalty. However, league disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan said Torres’ hit violated three rules: interference, charging, and illegal hit to the head.

“This was a violent, dangerous hit the broke every rule in the book,” Shanahan said on Friday. “There's no place for that in hockey. There was violence back in my day too, but there was also a code of honor. You never hit a guy when he wasn't looking, and you never went for the head - unless the guy just scored a goal and he was being a dick about it.”

Shanahan also wished Hossa a speedy recovery from his injury.

“My thoughts are with Marion,” he said. “I hope he gets back on the ice real soon. He's a guy who plays the game the right way and doesn't deserve this. Hang in there, buddy. We're all pulling for you!”

For his part, Hossa said he was feeling better and “looking forward to getting back on the ice so I can put a skate blade across that shithead's jugular.”



Copyright 2012, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.






















Raffi Torres To Spend Suspension Reflecting On Why He Didn’t Just Kill The Son Of A Bitch

April 22, 2012         
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