Travis Minor Somehow Moves Down Dolphins Depth Chart

MIAMI--When Ricky Williams stunned the football world by hanging up his spikes last week, the Dolphins number two back, Travis Minor, thought his time had come. With every free agent running back already signed, Minor expected to be the default choice for starting running back. Unfortunately, he has inexplicably moved down the Dolphins’depth chart, despite being the only legitimate back on the roster.

“Gee, this is a little surprising,” said Minor, as he scanned the Dolphins depth chart on NFL.com. “I just figured since there was nobody else available, I’d automatically move up a spot. Isn’t that the way it usually works? Instead, I’ve gone down to number three. There’s nobody at one or two. What the hell is going on here?”

Minor was shocked to hear the news of Williams’ retirement, and immediately began preparing for his first full season as Miami’s featured back. But Coach Dave Wannstedt had other ideas. The team is apparently prepared to go the entire season with an empty backfield to avoid handing Minor the ball.

“When I called coach Wannstedt, he told me that they were going to use the spread offense a little more this season,” said Minor. “He said I shouldn’t interpret my demotion to third back as an insult or a slight, and that lots of people would love to be the third back on a professional football team. He’s right, I guess. But I like to think I’m a better option than nobody.”

Wannstedt insisted that Minor is still an integral part of the team. He hinted that the 4th year back might actually get some carries if the team’s wide receivers get tired and need to rest for a down. Other than that, Minor can expect to sit on the bench.

“We’ve been wanting to go with some more spread formations for some time now, and this gives us that opportunity,” said Wannstedt. “It’s a great way for us to work [David] Boston into the equation, and try to get Chris [Chambers] more involved in the offense. Of course, they might get tired during the course of the season since virtually every play is going to be a pass play, so we may use Travis to come on the field and take some pressure of them. You know, as a decoy.”

“But you have to understand,” he continued. “A team is made up of more than just the starters. Travis is invaluable during practice, where he can play the role of the opposing running back for the defense. He’s also a big help in the video room, where he’ll be in charge of fast-forwarding and rewinding. Of course, we can’t ask any of the stars to do that stuff. They’re too busy signing endorsement deals and having sex with groupies.”

Still, Minor’s demotion has left some on the team confused. If there are no other legitimate running backs on the team, why not list Minor as the number one back by default?

“There’s a chance we may pick up two more running backs somewhere along the line,” said Wannstedt. “If that happens, we’ll plug them into the one and two spots. If we put Travis number one, than I’ll have to erase his name and replace it with someone else’s eventually. And that’s not something I want to do. I have carpal tunnel syndrome.”

Despite having no first or second running back, Dolphins GM Rick Spielman said there is no urgency to rush Minor up to the top of the depth chart. He pointed out that the team has several able bodied players who could run the ball in an emergency.

“A lot of people think Travis is our only option,” said Spielman. “But they’re forgetting that we have Jason Taylor, Zach Thomas, Randy McMichael, and even Jay Fiedler. All these guys could cover for Ricky in case of emergency. Obviously Travis could do it, too, but we’re not going to put all our eggs in one basket and just propel him up to the top spot out of panic. That wouldn’t be wise. Besides, if we placed Travis on the top of the depth chart for running back, who would hold Coach Wannstedt’s headphone chord during games?”

Spielman also noted that Ricky Williams is not replaceable, and it would be foolish to try and ask someone else to fill his shoes.

“Come on, there’s only one Ricky Williams out there, and we’re not about to ask Travis to fill those shoes,” he said. “That would be wrong and it would be putting way too much pressure on the kid. To tell you the truth, we may end up dropping him down to number four, just to be safe. We don’t want that guy anywhere near the number one spot.”

Ever the professional, Minor vowed to do “whatever is best for the team.”

“Hey, if my coaches want me to be number three, that’s cool. If they want me to be two, I’ll accept that, too. If they want me to carry around a squeeze bottle and squirt water into the players’ mouths between plays, well, I’ll do that, too. You know why? Because I’m a team player, that’s why. And because I have no other choice.”