Timberwolves Launch Campaign To Lure Anyone At All To Sign With Them

MINNEAPOLIS--The Minnesota Timberwolves today launched an aggressive recruitment campaign to lure any free agents whatsoever to sign with the team this offseason. The campaign will include public rallies, giant billboards, and recorded messages from local celebrities like Garrison Keillor and Senator Al Franken.

Timberwolves GM David Kahn says the campaign is designed to remind players that the Timberwolves

exist and have a checkbook.

“One thing we want to do with this campaign is remind players that the Timberwolves exist,” said Kahn, in an interview with the St Paul Pioneer Press. “We want to say ‘Hey, we’re out here, we’ve got an NBA team, we’re in a state with an assload of lakes, and we have a bunch of point guards to get the ball to you.’”

A public rally held in Minneapolis on Friday attracted over two hundred people, many of whom were sporting t-shirts emblazoned with the blacked-out silhouette of an anonymous NBA player. Mayor R.T. Ryback, who attended the rally, felt it was a great way to make whatever free agent was available feel special.

“If I’m a free agent, I’m looking at this gathering and I’m feeling pretty special,” Ryback told the crowd. “I’m feeling pretty flattered. I’m feeling like I’m having the red carpet rolled out for me. And indeed that’s what we’re doing here today. Hopefully guys like Aaron Gray, Marcus Williams, Quincy Douby, Tony Battie, Othello Hunter, and, well, anyone, are watching this and know how we feel about them. We love them!”

If a public rally attended by the mayor himself isn’t enough, how about a personal message from legendary Prairie Home Companion host Garrison Keillor?

“Hi, this is Garrison Keillor, and I just want all you NBA free agents out there to know what a wonderful state this is,” Keillor said in the recorded message. “In fact, I have a hard-on for this whole region and you will, too. So whether you’re a superstar like Lebron James or some cut-rate shitbum like Raymond Felton, you should come to Minnesota. It’s fucking cold but the people are basically nice.”

On the basketball side of things, the T’wolves boast a lineup “full of players,” including Corey Brewer, Brian Cardinal, Al Jefferson, and rookie Wesley Johnson. Coach Kurt Rambis believes his version of the triangle offense would be a great fit for anyone who fails to catch on with a decent team.

“We definitely have talent here. We just need a few more pieces to make us into a contender,” Rambis said. “Just look at the triangle offense. It’s great. It’s in the shape of a triangle. What’s cooler than that? It’s the perfect fit for pretty much anyone who will give us the time of day. Anyone. Please. It would be really embarrassing if nobody at all signed with us. Speedy Claxton, I’m looking your way. You’re not gonna have any better offers and neither are we. Let's lower our standards for each other.”

As of Friday, the only free agent visit scheduled for the Wolves was nice guy Grant Hill, who admitted he was just being polite.