KABUL--The Taliban, now controlling large swaths of Afghanistan and Northern Pakistan, have experienced a resurgence in recent months, according to U.S. officials, so much so that the extremist group is planning to field a team in the 2012 World Baseball Classic.

The news is evidence of just how well-organized and financially stable the Taliban has become.

“The Taliban right now are stronger than ever,” said one US commander, speaking on condition of anonymity. “They now control large areas along the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan and are making millions off the sale of opium. The fact that they are trying to make inroads into American baseball is proof of how well established they are. If they win the WBC, or even get to the finals, that would be a symbolic victory for Islamic extremism and a crushing blow for the Americans - almost as bad as when they lost to Canada in 2006.”

Taliban commanders are said to be training recruits in camps along the Pakistan border using pirated copies of Tom Emanski instructional videos. According to intelligence sources, the recruits are “well trained, well organized, and highly advanced.”

“A lot of people think, since this is the Taliban, they’re just going to be a bunch of primitive cave dwellers with no knowledge of the game,” said the source. “Nothing could be further from the truth. These are primitive cave dwellers with an in-depth knowledge of the game gleaned from American instructional videos. They’re fielding grounders, taking batting practice, even playing pepper. Pepper! That’s forbidden in every ballpark in America. Now these bastards are just taunting us.”

A Taliban spokesman in the South Wazirstan region said the recruits being trained were “lethal assassins” and would bring “shame, humiliation and defeat” to the forces of the West. The spokesman said the Taliban already boasts several five-tool players and a “small army” of all-star caliber pitchers.

“You will see in 2012 that the forces of Islam will bring shame, humiliation and defeat upon the arrogant American dogs,” spokesman Qari Mohammad Yousuf told Reuters. “We have dozens of so-called ‘five tool players’ and many cunning and overpowering pitchers. I am sure that many people are doubting us right now, but that is fine. We like it that way. We shall ‘fly under the radar’ as you say, and prove the doubters wrong just as Khalid ibn al-Walid proved the doubters wrong in the Battle of Walaja!”

Yousuf added: “Also we will kill everyone who shows up to the game. But do not let that stop you from attending as you will miss some great baseball.”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said the league has made no decision about whether to allow the Taliban into the World Baseball Classic, but indicated he was seriously considering it.

“It’s obviously a very interesting idea,” Selig told reporters today. “There is already a great natural rivalry between the U.S. and the Taliban and I think that would add to the excitement of the games. On the other hand, you’re talking about an organization that has murdered men, women, and children and is an enemy of freedom. So it’s kind of a toss-up. Personally I think the opportunity to introduce baseball to a new demographic is worth teaming with terrorists.”

Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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Resurgent Taliban To Field Team In Next World Baseball Classic

March 10 , 2009 - Issue 316