NEW YORK--As part of an aggressive push to try and speed up the pace of Major League Baseball games, commissioner Bud Selig announced today that the league would reverse its ban on amphetamine use. Selig hopes the reversal will give players a jolt of energy that will help them move faster on the field.

“Obviously the ban on amphetamines has had a detrimental effect on the pace of games,” Selig told reporters today. “In the old days, when players were

all tweaked out and jittery, the games were played much faster. Now everything has slowed down. That’s why we’re turning back the clock and letting players take speed in the hopes that they’ll have too much manic, weird energy to fart around in the batter’s box all day.”

Selig said the idea for the new initiative came from the players themselves.

“Since the topic of game pace has come up recently, I’ve had numerous comments from players recommending that I lift the ban on amphetamines,” said Selig. “There seems to be a consensus that eliminating greenies, a decades-old baseball tradition, has contributed to slowing down of the game. It does make sense. I took speed once in college and was bouncing off the walls. It took six ‘ludes to calm me down.”

The reversal of the ban will be put into effect immediately. Jars of greenies are already appearing in clubhouses around baseball as the players rejoice about a return to the good old days.

“This is a return to old-time baseball, the baseball that guys like Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle, and Pete Rose played,” said Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis. “Yea! This kicks ASS! It’s the greatest frigging thing to happen to the league in years! It’s going to…to…okay, I have to catch my breath a little. I have to calm down. As you can see I’ve already taken a handful. What time are we playing?”

Umpire Joe West, who inadvertently spurred the change by criticizing the Red Sox and Yankees’ slow pace last week, approves of the new measure. However, he still has some criticism for the league office.

“I think it’s the right decision,” said West. “I just don’t know why they didn’t make it sooner. The second they banned greenies, the pace of play slowed down considerably. It was obviously a problem. It was hurting the game. Yet Selig largely turned his back on the problem and let it fester. I have to believe that allowing this to happen on his watch will tarnish his legacy.”

Copyright 2010, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.






















MLB Lifts Ban On Amphetamines In Effort To Speed Up Games

April 13 , 2010           
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