LOS ANGELES--Rather than miss any more games due to religious holidays, the Dodgers’ Shawn Green has announced that he will wear his hilarious little Jewish hat instead of his baseball cap to the remaining regular season games. The goofy little yarmulke thingy is part of traditional Hebrew garb and will give Green a way to pay respect to his religion without interfering with the team’s pennant race. Green’s teammates have come out in full support of him wearing the hat.

“Oh, I love that funny little hat,” said third baseman Adrian Beltre. “It is so funny looking I laugh every time I see it. It really provides comic relief and keeps the clubhouse loose. I never saw Shawn as a clubhouse cutup, but I guess he’s trying to take on that role.”

Manager Jim Tracy credited Green with keeping the team’s spirits up during a difficult and grueling stretch run.

“Anytime we’re feeling tense or anything, Shawn walks in the room with that hat on and everyone just lets out a big belly laugh,” said Tracy. “What a card he is. He reminds me of my college roommate, Mohammed. He used to walk around with a tablecloth on his head. We would say ‘Tablecloths are for putting food on, you clown!’ And then he would fake like he was mad and we’d all get a good laugh out of it.”

Green says that the funny hat is not meant to be funny at all. It is an ancient symbol of the Jewish faith that millions of people hold sacred. He has asked his teammates several times to refrain from poking fun at him, but to no avail.

“They don’t seem to get it. They think I’m joking around, but I’m really not,” said Green. “This is something I feel very strongly about. I do not take my faith lightly. When I wear my yarmulke, I am expressing my love for God and my commitment to my religious beliefs. I would appreciate if people would stop laughing at me. That would be like me laughing at [Adrian] Beltre’s bizarre voodoo rituals. No, wait a minute. I’m thinking of Pedro Cerrano from Major League.”

Some of the veterans on the Dodgers pointed out that the team has never had a bona fide“class clown” on its roster. But Green’s wacky antics have drawn comparison to some of baseball’s most lovable funnymen.

“I’ve heard a lot of stories about guys like Bob Uecker, Roger McDowell, and Bert Blyleven, and now I think we can add another name to the list,” said pitcher Darren Dreifort. “Some guys like to use whoopee cushions, some guys like to shake your hand with those buzzer things, and some guys like to hide your clothes on you. But when Shawn walks in with that foolish white thing on his head, it just sends me into hysterics. It’s better than the old ‘pie-in-the-face’ routine. It’s even better than the old ‘piss-in-the-face’ routine, which isn’t saying much.”

Even sportscasters have enjoyed some hearty guffaws at the expense of Green’s taste in headwear. Chris Berman has already dubbed him Shawn “Goofy” Green.

“And coming up to the plate, it’s Shawn ‘Goofy’ Green!’” shouted Berman, while doing a game recap on Sportscenter. “He’s got his gay little hat on, it’s the bottom of the sixth, the 3-2 pitch and it’s back back back gone! Green does it again! That hat must be giving him super powers!”

Even the Dodgers fans are saluting Green’s new hat, as yarmulkes have become all the rage at Dodger stadium. Green has his own special section of fans called the “Green Crew.” Every home game the Green Crew takes their place in the right field bleachers and cheers on their hero.

“We are the Green Crew and we love Shawn Green!” yelled 13-year-old Samantha Wheeler, sporting her own white yarmulke. “He is sooo cute and he looks so funny in that hat. I just love coming to the games and cheering him on with my Jew hat. I never realized that Jewish people were so funny. Hee hee. I think I wanna convert.”

“Oh yea, the Green Crew,” said Green. “I see them at the games sometimes. They’re um…their hearts are in the right place I guess. It’s nice that they recognize me and route for me like that. And I guess it’s nice that I’m able to make them laugh. And I guess this is raising awareness for Judaism. But still, it hurts to be laughed at for something that you hold so dear. It’s just an article of clothing. It shouldn’t be subject to such ridicule. And to think, I considered wearing my floor length prayer shawl the other day for the Giants game.”

Shawn Green To Wear Funny Jewish Hat During Games
September 27, 2004- Volume 1 Issue 68