BRISTOL, CT--ESPN’s
latest venture into reality television will offer a unique new twist
on the ever-popular genre. Last year’s Dream Job was
a runaway hit, and the network is working to build on that success with
a groundbreaking new show. It will be similar to Dream Job
but with one striking difference. The winner, instead of being given
a job as a Sportscenter anchor, will be awarded the privilege
of running over Stuart Scott with a bus. Who Wants To Run Over Stuart
Scott With A Bus? is scheduled to debut in October.
“I know a lot of people out there have been dying to inflict some
kind of pain on Stuart Scott for a long time,” said Carol Renquist,
executive producer of WWTROSSWB. “Judging from the number of audition
tapes, that number is well into the millions. Well, with our new show,
one contestant will finally have that chance. We’ve got a giant,
25-foot Greyhound bus that can reach speeds of up to 100 mph waiting
for some lucky winner to take the wheel and silence that son of a bitch
forever. Of course, knowing Stu, he’ll probably bounce right back
up and yell ‘Boo yea!’”
Renquist noted that over fifty million people sent in videotape auditions
for the show. Out of those fifty million, ten thousand were selected
to come to ESPN headquarters in Bristol, CT and prove they were worthy
of a spot on WWTROSSWB. The ten thousand contestants were then whittled
down to one hundred finalists, out of which the twelve contestants were
chosen.
“The final 12 showed that they had the personality, communication
skills, and charisma of an ESPN anchor,” said Renquist. “They
also had to submit an essay about why they deserve to be the one to
run Stuart over with a bus. We found some really great, qualified candidates,
and we think America will be excited about the results. That being said,
there are no losers in this contest. When Stuart Scott gets run over,
we all win.”
The idea for the show evolved from the brainstorming sessions for Dream
Job’s second season. Producers were thrilled with the show’s
success but wanted to up the ante this time around.
“We thought ‘What prize could we offer the winner that would
be better than a stint on ESPN and better than millions of dollars in
cash?’” said Renquist. “One of my associate producers
jokingly said ‘How about running over that asshole [Scott] with
a bus?’ Even though he was speaking in jest, I thought the idea
had some merit. I mean, what rational, sane person wouldn’t be
excited about the prospect of firing up a mammoth Greyhound bus and
taking aim at the bastard? I know I would. Hell, if we didn’t
have a rule against it, I would’ve been the first to audition.”
Scott’s unique act has begun to grow tiresome over the past few
years. For many, his personality has quickly gone from a mildly amusing
novelty act to a full-blown annoyance. Though nearly every sports fan
in America has grown weary of Scott, he continues uttering his trademark
catch phrases.
“And the Lord said ya got to rise up!” screamed Scott yesterday,
while describing a Barry Bonds home run. “Boo yea! Number 39 for
Bonds, so step off all you playa hatas, cause B Squared is takin it
to the house!”
WWTROSSWB contestant Josh Hardwick of Sioux City, IA said that he often
watches tape of Scott’s broadcasts as a motivational tool to help
him win the contest.
“Any time I’m feeling tired and I don’t want to practice
my reading and stuff, I just pop in a tape of Sportscenter
and watch Stuart talk,” said Hardwick. “When I hear him
spouting off those hackneyed catch phrases as if people actually enjoy
them, I get red-faced with anger. Does he really think people like that
shit? I guess some people probably do. You know, if they really want
to up the stakes, they should round up all the rubes that are entertained
by that crap and stick them in front of the same bus. Believe me, no
jury in the world would convict us.”
The show will finish taping next week and air at the beginning of the
fall season. The final episode will be a two-hour extravaganza, culminating
in the joyous moment when Scott is run over with the bus. Aside from
the winner of WWTROSSWB, ESPN will be auctioning off seats on the bus
to the highest bidders. Tickets have already been purchased by several
celebrities, including Donald Trump, Mark Cuban, and even NBA star Michael
Jordan. Sadly, no ESPN anchors will be allowed on the bus.
“I don’t really think it’s fair that we can’t
get on the bus,” said Trey Wingo, who has endured Scott’s
banalities for close to a decade. “After all, we’re the
ones who had to deal with the guy on a daily basis. It just seems right
that we’d be able to participate in the festivities. But they
have those damn regulations about employees of the company not being
able to be a part of the show. Oh well, maybe I'll get my chance next
year when they run over Chris Berman.”
This article is satire and
is not intended as actual news. Copyright 2003, The Brushback
- Do not reprint without permission |