OAKLAND--Two days after the Oakland Raiders acquired quarterback Jason Campbell from the Washington Redskins, Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell, asked the question he’s been wanting to ask for years: Can I retire now?

“Can I retire now?” Russell asked when told of the trade. “They have a pretty decent starting QB now. They have Gradkowski, too, and Kyle Boller. Surely somebody among that group can take over the

tarting job permanently, then I can slip quietly into the night - or as quietly as a 300-pound man can slip anywhere.”

Russell was the number one pick of the 2007 draft but has never established himself as a reliable starting quarterback. The 24-year old often comes to training camp overweight and shows little desire to improve on his physique or performance.

In other words, he wants to go home.

“I just don’t want to be a quarterback anymore,” said Russell. “I don’t want to be a football player. I’m not cut out for it. Who can dedicate themselves to this kind of thing 365 days a year? It’s hard! And it sucks. I didn’t want to say anything until they got a real QB here, but I want out. So let’s end this marriage while we both have our dignity.”

Russell said he placed a call to owner Al Davis and is just “waiting for the green light” to pack up his shit and go home.

“I called Al. I left him a message asking if I can go away now,” said Russell. “I’m just waiting for the green light. Oh, God it’s going to feel so good to be away from football! Please call now, Al, so I can go away and spend my $31 million in guaranteed money, which…wow, I can’t believe you gave me that. Thanks! How can I ever repay you?”

Unfortunately for Russell, coach Tom Cable says they have no plans to release Russell and, in fact, expect him to compete for the starting job.

“Release him? Why would we release him?” asked Cable. “We want to go into camp with five QB’s, including JaMarcus, and see which one steps up and seizes the starting job. What does he think, just because we got Jason Campbell that we’re just going to cut him loose? I don’t think so. He’s not getting away that easy. He got a lot of money to be here, and he's going to suffer like the rest of us.”

When reached for comment, Al Davis said that Russell is “going to play out his entire stinking contract even if he goes out and pulls a Roethlisberger.”

 


Copyright 2010, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

 

 

 

 

 

 





JaMarcus Russell: ‘Can I Retire Now?’

April 26 , 2010           
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