New NHL Rule Change Would Make It Illegal For Jeremy Roenick To Talk

TORONTO--As part of hockey’s new collective bargaining agreement, several new rule changes have been adopted to make the game more enjoyable for the common fan. In addition to the elimination of the red line and a reduction in the size of goalie pads, the league has announced that, beginning in the 2005 season, it will be illegal for the Flyers Jeremy Roenick to talk.

Commissioner Gary Bettman said the Roenick rule was instituted “out of sheer desperation.”

“We knew that we couldn’t go on like this,” Bettman told reporters yesterday. “We needed to keep Jeremy from opening his mouth in public and we feel this new rule will accomplish that. It’s nothing personal against Jeremy. We respect the fact that he speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Unfortunately he just can’t seem to get his point across without pissing off our entire fan base. Therefore if Jeremy Roenick opens his mouth in public he will be fined. If he does it a second time, his teammates will be fined. A third offense and we’re going after his family.”

Bettman chided Roenick for his inability to articulate his thoughts in a more bland, inoffensive manner.

“Jeremy needs to be more like his peers. He needs to learn all the age-old sports cliches and use them during interviews. Take me, for instance. I talk and I talk and I talk but I never actually say anything. That’s because I’m a well trained corporate robot. That’s what the fans want, that’s what the media wants, and most importantly, that’s what the sponsors want. Just stop talking, OK Jeremy? Actually, don’t answer that. You’ll be fined.”

Bettman is referring to Roenick’s well deserved reputation as a loudmouth. That reputation was reinforced last month when Roenick lashed out at hockey fans who called players greedy and spoiled. During a televised interview, he told those fans to “kiss his ass” and suggested they stop attending NHL games altogether. Unfortunately, it was not consistent with the message the league was trying to send to it’s fans.

Said league public relations director Peter Wirz: “As a professional PR man, I can tell you that ordering fans to stay away from NHL games is the wrong message to send if you are a paid member of the NHL. In fact, I would say that it is in direct contrast to what we want to convey to the fans, which is that we want them to attend the games and give us their money. Fortunately, Jeremy’s statement did very little damage since fans aren’t planning to attend games anyway.”

Roenick will not be the only person affected by the new rule. Some members of the media are concerned that the gag order will deprive them of one of the most entertaining interviews in all of sports.

“Oh, man, they can’t do that, can they? That’s totally unfair,” said Rod Smith of Canada’s TSN Network. “Roenick is a great interview. He says things that everyone else is afraid to say, and he says them in a way that ensures that everyone within earshot will be infuriated. He has this magically ability to transform an innocuous notion like ‘Hey, we’re not greedy’ into a brutal, all-out assault on every hockey fan in the country. Now we’re gonna have to get our sound bites from a bunch of wishy-washy Canadians.”

Surprisingly, Roenick has agreed to adhere to the league’s new policy and will no longer make public statements about the NHL. When reached for comment, he had this to say:

“I accept the league’s new mandate that I not make any public comments about the league. While I am disappointed that I can no longer speak I understand the league’s desire to keep the fans happy and refrain from making comments which might drive them away from our great sport. That being said I am deeply saddened by the fact that players are being censored just days after signing a collective bargaining agreement that resulted in a 24 percent pay cut. As a matter of fact I can state unequivocally that it’s total bullshit. These guys have been fucking with us for, I don’t know, how many years now? Too many. This whole damn league is a frigging joke and they can all kiss my fat ass, and yes, I’m talking about the fans, too, those white trash, mullet-wearing, caveman who think they’re such fucking geniuses. But anyway, I don’t want to get into it. I made a promise to keep my mouth shut.”