Retarded Person Overcomes Adversity To Become NBA Referee

DALLAS--Joe Downs, 38-year-old NBA referee, is being lauded by players and coaches alike for his awe-inspiring ability to overcome his severe mental retardation. Though he is not the best official in the NBA, he is certainly the most inspirational.

“Joe Downs. Wow, I don’t know how that guy does it,” said Mavericks owner Mark Cuban after a loss to the Clippers, in which Downs made several questionable calls. “Judging from his actions on the court, he suffers from a crippling mental disability. Talk about an inspiration. I don’t even know how he ties his shoes in the morning, let alone call a professional basketball game.”

Cuban referred specifically to a call in which forward Dirk Nowitzki was hammered by the Clippers’ Bobby Simmons en route to the basket and Downs, standing close by, refused to blow his whistle. Witnesses said that the foul was so obvious only a blind man or a retarded person could miss it.

“When Dirk went into the lane for that lay-up and Simmons wrapped him up with both hands and threw him to the floor, everyone just assumed it was a foul,” said Mavs guard Michael Finley. “Even Simmons walked away raising his hand as if to say ‘I’m guilty. Call a foul.’ But the foul was never called. Everyone was just staring at the ref, but he refused to blow the whistle. That’s when we realized that the poor guy is retarded. He should be working at Burger King, but instead he is a highly paid NBA official.”

When reached for comment, Downs vehemently denied being retarded.

“What? Who said I was retarded? I’m not retarded, I’m perfectly normal,” Downs said. “I went to school at University of Washington and graduated in the top 20 percent of my class. I have a wife and two children at home. I am not, nor have I ever been, a retard. That Nowitzki play was not a foul at all. Sure, there was some incidental contact, but just because a player throws another player to the ground while he’s shooting doesn’t mean a foul was committed.”

Reporters were able to confirm that Downs did indeed graduate from Washington University and does have a wife and children. Further research revealed that he was a member of the National Honor Society and possess a Master’s Degree in Sociology. These revelations are seen as evidence that mentally challenged people can live normal lives as long as they have the courage to overcome their disabilities.

“Wow, that guy has a Master’s? Holy shit, good for him,” said 76ers coach Jim O’Brien, whose team was victimized by Downs’ in a recent game against the Orlando Magic. “He made some truly terrible calls and non-calls for us last week and, at that time, I was both inspired and horrified that a complete retard could be an NBA referee. Now, to hear all the other things he has accomplished, it’s obvious that this guy is special. He’s not just your average retard, like the rest of the referees in this league.”

Downs is not the only NBA official suspected of being retarded. Complaints about officiating have increased so dramatically over the past few years that many in the league believe that most NBA referees suffer some form of mental disability. When questioned on the subject, many players offered their own examples of possible mental retardation among officials.

Said one Eastern conference player: “We were playing against the Wolves one night earlier in the season and we were victimized by a referee who, in retrospect, was clearly retarded. Both teams suffered from it, but one call really stands out in my memory. I was dribbling down the court on a fast break. I was flanked by two teammates and was about to make a pass. When I got to about half court, Sam Cassell dove at my legs and tripped me up. I fell forward, hit the floor, and lost four teeth. The ref called me for a charge. I yelled at him for a while, but now I feel kind of bad. I understand now that you need to have patience with the differently abled.”

Despite a glut of evidence to the contrary, NBA supervisor of officials Ed Banks insisted today that none of the referees are retarded.

“Contrary to popular opinion, none of our officials are retarded,” said Banks. “They are all perfectly normal human beings. It’s just that being an NBA official is hard. Most of the time the refs are just guessing out there. Just because we’re professionals, people expect us to be perfect and do things like ‘watch what’s going on’ and ‘make the right call’ and ‘not completely fuck everything up.’ I’m sorry but that’s a little too much to ask. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to McDonald’s and get a happy meal.”