FOXBORO, MA--In a rare interview with The Boston Globe, Patriots coach Bill Belichick insisted that he used human growth hormone in 2001 to recover from a shoulder injury rather than to gain a competitive advantage. Belichick was named by former trainer Brian McNamee as one of several sports figures who used HGH.

“I did it and it was wrong,” Belichick told the Globe. “At the time I was having a lot of trouble with a sore shoulder and this friend of a friend of a friend, Brian McNamee, recommended HGH. It was a stupid decision and I regret it. It didn’t even help my shoulder. All it did was make me grow another arm, which wasn’t even an area of need for me since I already had two of them.”

For years, Belichick has denied using HGH, but McNamee’s statements have backed him into a corner. Now all the 55-year-old coach can do is apologize for his actions.

“You can be sure this won’t happen again,” he said. “From now on I’m going to focus on educating people so they don’t make the same mistakes I did. Kids, don’t do human growth hormone. Winners don’t do that stuff, unless you count me and Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte and several others. Okay that wasn’t much of a public service announcement. What do you expect? I’m Bill Belichick.”

The latest allegations could not have come at a worse time for Belichick and the Patriots, who are already dealing with the ugly and ever deepening Spygate scandal. But Belichick said neither would be a distraction for the team, which was moving forward with its offseason plans.

“There are a lot of things going on right now, but we’re not going to let anything distract us from our job this offseason,” he said. “We’re just going to keep moving forward and prepare for the draft and the free agent signing period. Fortunately I’m going to be taking a lot of steroids to get me through the winter. Just kidding! Ha. Already had that editorial Blackberried to your editor, didn’t you, you little turd?”

Though Belichick has come clean about his HGH use, there are still some who believe there is more to the story, including Senator Arlen Specter (R-PA), who plans to speak at length with Roger Goodell about it.

“I just can’t believe that the guy could take HGH a few times in 2001 to heal an injury,” said Specter. “I think there’s a little more to this story. For instance, why did Belichick not admit to doing this earlier, when his name first was mentioned? Also, did he do this during the Super Bowl and somehow gain an advantage? And does anybody have tapes of those Super Bowls? I’d love to watch them again. I like the commercials.”

Many around the league feel the Patriots’ Super Bowl wins have been tainted by the HGH allegations, with some even calling for the rings to be forfeited.

“If Belichick was on HGH during our Super Bowl, then the rings should be forfeited,” said Eagles safety Brian Dawkins. “You can definitely gain a competitive advantage like that, even if you’re not actually taking the field. It could somehow make your brain swell up and work faster than other brains and then allow you to come up with better plays. Of course, I know for a fact that it makes you physically stronger and capable of super awesome hits on unsuspecting receivers. Um...a friend told me.”

Adding to the controversy was an admittance by Goodell that he possessed tape of Belichick taking HGH during the Super Bowl but taped over it with the season premier of The Wire.

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.