PITTSBURGH--Antwaan Randle El recently claimed he was waiting for God to tell him where to sign as a free agent, and now God is coming through with some advice: sign with the Canadian Football League. Of course, God doesn’t really care if Randle El signs with the CFL. He merely wants to see if his faith can withstand the lure of millions of dollars in guaranteed money.

“Antwaan keeps asking me which team to sign with now that he’s a free agent,” God told reporters yesterday. “Boy, does he seem pious when he talks to me. He swears up and down that he’ll do whatever I tell him. So I’m telling him to sign a deal with the Calgary Stampeders of the CFL league minimum, which is probably like 8 bucks an hour or something. He can take the advice or he can leave it. But if he leaves it, he better not ask me for a damn thing ever again.”

God has tested the faith of his followers before, most famously in 2156 BC when he ordered Abraham to murder his own son, Isaac, in order to prove his devotion. In that instance, God intervened at the last minute when it was clear the Abraham was willing to go through with the slaying.

However, God said not to expect a similar intervention with Randle El.

“This is a different situation, a different person, a different era,” God said. “I’m really just curious to see whether Antwaan will follow my orders. Let’s see him put his money where his mouth is. What’s more important to him, my word or fame and fortune? I guess we’re about to find out. My money’s on the fame and fortune.”

So far, Randle El has yet to make a decision about his future, though he admitted that his recent conversation with God complicated the decision-making process.

“The other night while I was praying I’m sure I heard him say ‘Go the CFL,’” said Randle El. “I thought he was joking. Maybe he doesn’t know what’s best for me after all. See, if I went to the CFL I would be out of the spotlight and wouldn’t be able to give the proper glory to Him. Maybe he didn’t think about that. I’m going to bring it up next time I talk to him.”

Aside from the CFL, Randle El could stay in Pittsburgh or sign with a team like Chicago, which has been courting him heavily in the past couple weeks.

“Chicago has been very aggressive in pursuing me and it does seem like an exciting place to play,” he said. “And of course, they’re going to offer me a lot of money. I could certainly give a lot of glory to God if I had money like that. Plus, I’m sure God would agree that Chicago is a very sinful place and, like Sodom and Gomorrah, could use somebody to lead them to the path of righteousness. Canada is not sinful at all. In fact, they could stand to loosen up a little.”

Randle El has asked God for career advice on several occasions, but this is the first time he’s ever received a response. He will spend the next few weeks carefully considering the advice before making a decision.

“This is a very serious decision for me,” he said. “Truthfully, I’m a little surprised that I got a response. Maybe God’s just trying to test me. Maybe I’ll make the decision to go to the CFL and he will intervene at the last minute like he did with Abraham. That’s an awful big chance to take, though. Imagine if he doesn’t interfere? I’ll be playing for the Calgary Stampeders for the next few years. Sure I’ll also be in His good graces, but with the fame and fortune I could get in Pittsburgh or Chicago, I could start my own damn religion.”

Lovie Smith, coach of the Chicago Bears, has been aggressively pursuing Randle El the past few weeks, but he knows he has some stiff competition with the CFL.

“When God tells you to go somewhere, it’s hard to say no,” said Smith, who said he would use Randle El in a variety of roles if they signed with the team. “Antwaan is a very devout Christian and he now has a very serious decision to make. It’s a choice between his religion and his career. Tough decision. That’s why I never pray to God. I’m afraid someday he might answer me, and I’m not sure I want to know what he has to say.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.