Americans Take to Streets to Protest Bland Super Bowl Commercials

NEW YORK--Inspired by the recent uprising in the middle east, Americans have taken to the streets to protest the bland television ads that accompanied this year's Super Bowl. A rally on Monday in New York drew an estimated 500,000 people. Similar rallies are scheduled across the country all week. The massive “week of rage” has advertisers squirming in their seats.

“Obviously people are fed up with the status quo,” said David Hutchens, vice-president of Campbell-Ewald, one of the world’s largest advertising agencies. “We are hearing their voices and seeing their frustrations. All I can say is that we are prepared to make concessions and to ensure that we give this great nation the Super Bowl ads it deserves.”

Hutchens’ reassuring words fell on deaf ears, however, as protesters demanded he and other ad execs leave their posts immediately.

“We will not leave this square until these people have abandoned their positions completely!” said 45-year-old school teacher Pamela Vass. “They need to be replaced by people who truly understand their target demographic, people who make Super Bowl ads that represent all of us. Come on, assholes! Step up your games. Otherwise we’ll topple you the way the Egyptians toppled what's his face - the dude with the mustache.”

Another protester lamented the lack of monkeys in this year’s crop of ads.

“Last year, there were three, maybe four ads with monkeys in them,” said 50-year-old investment banker Darren Spevak. “This year there’s what, one monkey ad? Where are all the goddamn monkeys? Yea, there were a couple dog commercials this year, but dogs do not have anywhere near the comedic value of monkeys. Also, what about Michael Jackson? I miss Michael Jackson. Superimpose that freak’s image into a commercial or I’ll set myself on fire in the street.”

Experts say that the fury over bland Super Bowl ads has been building for years.

“This is something that has been simmering under the surface for many years,” said Trevor Alexander, of Washington-based think tank the Brookings Institute. “Now, the ticking time bomb has exploded. Nobody predicted this either, because everybody just assumed Americans were too fat and complacent to stand up for themselves like this. Boy, were we wrong. It seems as though the sleeping giant has been awakened.”

As of Monday night, protests were still raging around the country. Still, the nation’s ad execs have refused to cede power so far, saying that this year Super Bowl ad’s were “good” and that the reason for the dissatisfaction was that audiences are becoming more sophisticated.

“Look, audiences are harder to please these days,” said Lauren Williams, who directed all three Doritos ads this year. “We’ve spoiled them, basically, and now they're getting bored. Next year, however, if they give us another chance, we’re going to blow their minds. I won’t get into details but I’ll just say this: monkeys, CGI dragons, titties, and Justin Bieber. And that's just for the Focus on the Family ad.”