OAKLAND, CA--In a candid interview with Bob Costas aired last night, the Raiders’ Randy Moss confessed to, among other things, smoking pot next Friday. The news came as a surprise to Moss’s teammates and coaches, who have been impressed with his work ethic and leadership skills. Today, Moss reiterated that the pot smoking would occur in the future, and that he was currently clean.

“I know it was pretty surprising to hear me say that, but you have to remember that I was talking about the future, not the present day,” Moss told reporters at practice. “Right now I’m not smoking anything. I’m practicing and trying to prepare myself for the season. Friday night I’ll be smoking. My cousin is having a party to commemorate the new season. I can’t say I’m proud of it, but at least I’m coming to terms with it and facing it like a man. I’m going to make a mistake and I’ll have to suffer the consequences.”

Moss then apologized to his fans and teammates for letting them down.

“I just want to apologize to my teammates, fans, and family for putting them through this,” he said. “I know I let a lot of people down and I’m sorry. I guess my biggest regret is that I’m not going to do anything to try and stop it. When will I learn?”

Letting down his teammates is nothing new to Moss. He had a long, controversial career in Minnesota that finally ended with an offseason trade to Oakland. When he arrived, Moss vowed to be a model citizen--and his teammates believed him.

“This is tough to take, because Randy really seemed to have turned a corner,” said quarterback Kerry Collins. “He was a leader on the field, too. The younger players were looking up to him. To hear that he’s about to violate the drug policy is pretty disturbing. But we all make mistakes in life. I really can’t criticize the guy. Next month I’m going to grope a woman in an elevator.”

Coach Norv Turner is concerned that Moss could be suspended for his infraction. If he misses playing time, it could seriously affect the team’s playoff chances. For now, the coach is hoping for the best.

“You always hate to see a player of yours get into trouble, and right now Randy is in a bit of trouble,” said Turner. “We just have to hope and pray that he’s on the field with us soon. I have to say that it's a little selfish of Randy to be violating the NFL drug policy at this point. As a Raider you're expected to do drugs, but not during the season. He should wait until February when I have my annual season-ending cookout. We'll have booze, weed, strippers, all that stuff. Last year was great, until Kerry Collins got drunk and called me a filthy Mexican. ”

Moss’ agent, Dante DiTrapano, came to his client’s defense, saying Moss is a dedicated team player and shouldn’t be judged by one isolated incident. He also praised his client’s honesty.

“Hey, you’ve got to give Randy credit for being able to step up and admit his mistake like this,” DiTrapano said. “It takes a lot of courage to be able to do that. This guy has been a model citizen for the first few weeks at Raiders training camp. Let’s judge him by that, not by something that hasn’t even happened yet. Randy deserves it. Hasn't he earned the benefit of the doubt?”

For some people, the obvious question is why Moss doesn’t just skip the party next week and avoid smoking the pot. But for Moss, the issue is not whether or not he smokes, but how he deals with the situation afterward.

“I’m not gonna just not do the drugs just because it’s against the rules,” Moss said. “I don’t back down from situations like that. What’s important for me is that I learn from my mistakes and it helps me to become a better person and a better role model. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to let a lot of people down here, but that comes with the territory. I just hope I don’t have to serve a suspension. I really want to experience playing for Norv Turner before he gets fired at the end of the year.”

 

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Randy Moss Confesses To Smoking Pot Next Week

August 23, 2005 - Volume 2 Issue 5