Montreal Expos Lost In Poker Game

LAS VEGAS, NV--In yet another unfortunate turn of events for the doomed franchise, the Montreal Expos were lost in a game of no limit Texas hold ‘em Saturday night at Bally’s casino in Las Vegas. The game was played by Bud Selig, who was in town visiting with Vegas authorities about the possibility of relocating the franchise there. The commissioner spent Saturday night locked in a lengthy game of Texas hold ‘em with several other high rollers. By the time the sun came up, Selig was penniless, broke, and minus one major league baseball franchise.

“Oh, damn. My wife always says that I shouldn’t gamble,” said Selig. “I tend to get carried away sometime, and this is the result. Darn it. I was really meaning to relocate them this year, too. I guess now that’s the responsibility of the club’s new owner, Frankie “The Snake” Delucci. I sure hope he knows how to run a baseball team.”

The commissioner issued an apology to the Expos players and management following the debacle at Bally’s.

“I want to express my sincerest apologies to everyone who will be affected by this,” said Selig. “I know it’s wrong to gamble. It’s just that Texas hold em is so much fun, and once I start playing, forget about it. I can’t stop. I’m hooked. I think I learned my lesson this time though. A major league baseball franchise is too steep a price to pay for a game of cards, even if that team is the Montreal Expos. That being said, I’m sure the people of Montreal won’t miss them too much. Bastards abandoned the team after the first chunk of concrete fell from the Olympic Stadium roof.”

Delucci, a 32-year-old card shark from Amarillo, Texas, has no experience running a major league franchise. He is a plumber by trade but is eager to learn the ins and outs of sports management.

“This is an exciting opportunity for me,” he said. “I don’t know much about baseball, but teams are generally worth a lot of money, aren’t they? I’m not sure about the Expos, though. I heard they’ve been having a lot of problems lately. Plus, that Selig guy didn’t seem too reluctant to give them up. He was like ‘I don’t have any more money. Will you take the Expos?’ I really didn’t want to, but I felt bad for the guy.”

After Selig lost the hand, he was reluctant to tell the owners about his unfortunate run of luck. However, with the Expos new home due to be announced before the end of the season, Selig could not avoid the confrontation. He contacted the owners, as well as officials from Portland, Northern Virginia, Washington DC, and Vegas to break the bad news to them. The officials were “shocked and saddened” to hear the news.

“I guess that just about wraps up our bid to be the new home for the Expos,” said Washington DC Mayor William Randell. “I think we were tops on the list, too. But I know how addictive that Texas hold 'em can be. I once lost my wife and daughter in a game against some fat Japanese guy. Haven’t seen them since, but those are the breaks.”

So the fate of the Expos now lies in the hands of Snake Delucci. He is expected to sell the team to the highest bidder, but he wants to explore all his options before making a decision.

“The most logical choice for me would be to sell these guys to whoever wants them,” said Delucci. “I could probably make a few hundred million. But I’m also a little tempted to hold on to them, rename them, and start a franchise in one of these cities. It would be fun to be the boss and be able to do whatever I want. For instance, I’ve always wanted to own a sports team and name it ‘the homos.’ Wouldn’t that be funny as hell? I bet the players would get a kick out of it.”

After Selig informed the other owners about his loss, they immediately washed their hands of the Expos franchise, leaving city and state officials to deal with Mr. Delucci themselves.

“Well, this is unfortunate,” said Red Sox owner Tom Warner. “Imagine losing a baseball franchise in a game of poker? I’ve never seen anything like it. Oh well, I guess that’s that. There’s nothing much we can do. Baseball no longer owns the Expos. I hope Mr. Delucci does the right thing with the team and moves them to another location. Liquidating them might not be the best idea. With all those Dominicans out on the street, the crime rate is going to go through the roof. “

One person who is extremely relieved about the recent development with the Expos is Orioles owner Peter Angelos. Angelos, who was concerned with MLB’s plan to relocate the franchise to the Washington DC area, has contacted Mr. Delucci in order to suggest alternate venues that would be “more suitable” for a professional baseball franchise.

“I’ve spoken with Snake and he seems like a great guy and a fine, upstanding baseball owner,” said Angelos. “I hope he holds onto the team, I really do. I’ve already told him that Portland is an excellent place for a baseball team, with all those pretty pine trees and such. Also, Alabama would be good. How about Washington State? Mexico City? Hell, I might even keep the team in Montreal and try to build a fan base there, if I were him. Whatever the case, Snake should stay far away from this area. Washington DC is a disgusting, depraved sewer full of slums and politicians. Our national pastime has no business being in a place so corrupt and sinful. He should try Vegas instead.”