SAN FRANCISCO --In an effort to satisfy congress’s demand for even tougher steroid testing, Major League Baseball has introduced in-game steroid testing, a new policy that will allow the league to perform surprise tests on players during games. The first such test occurred during Sunday’s A’s-Giants game at SBC Park in San Francisco, when a screener walked out to home plate and ordered the A’s Eric Chavez to drop his pants and urinate in a cup.

“Wow, that was weird,” Chavez told reporters after the game. “I’m standing there at the plate and all of a sudden this dude in a lab coat stops the game and tells me to pee in a cup. I thought he was nuts, but then I looked behind him and there was Bud Selig nodding his head, telling me to go ahead and do it. I felt kind of funny dropping my pants in front of a stadium full of people, but if this is what it takes to rid the game of steroids, so be it. I’ve never been big on dignity anyway.”

After testing Chavez, the screener walked out to left field and ordered Pedro Feliz to do the same thing. Feliz obliged, and both men passed with flying colors.

Afterward, Selig discussed the new policy at a press conference.

“I’ve been saying all along that it’s my goal to eradicate steroids from the game of baseball entirely,” he said. “Whatever it takes to do it, we will do it. I realize many players used these so-called masking agents to circumvent our testing program, so the best way to avoid that is through the element of surprise. So no longer are players safe from drug testing just because they’re on the field of play. They are not safe anywhere. We can make them pull out their dicks and piss in a cup anywhere and anytime. Eventually we’re going to establish a policy that allows us to go to their homes unannounced and test them. Of course anyone who protests this invasion of privacy is obviously a steroid-taking junkie.”

Selig noted that the in-game testing would continue throughout the season.

“This is just the beginning. You’re going to be seeing this all year,” he said. “During games when players least expect it a steroid screener will approach them and demand a urine sample. For example, if a player hits a long home run we may interrupt him as he’s running the bases and test him for performance enhancing drugs. This is all part of an effort to clean up the game and maintain its integrity. We want to send the right message to our nation’s youth. That message is ‘Do anything you must to placate the government.’ There is nothing more dangerous and frightening than a congressman with nothing to do.”

The lone voice of dissent came from player’s union head Donald Fehr. Fehr argued that players do have some constitutional rights, and those rights should be observed by Major League Baseball

“Look, we know there’s a steroid problem in sports, but let’s not get hysterical here,” said Fehr. “This is America . Players have rights. It’s completely unconstitutional to subject them to steroid tests in public places. It’s an affront to their dignity. There has to be a reasonable way to eradicate steroid use without trampling on people’s rights. What I’m trying to say is, there’s gotta be some way to do this that’s totally ineffective and won’t do anything to eradicate the problem.”

Most players, however, welcomed the new policy. The Yankees’ Tino Martinez said the league should do “whatever it takes” to resolve the steroid issue once and for all

“If this is what it takes, fine, I don’t care. Just do it,” Martinez said. “Nobody wants to submit to these tests, but if you’re clean you’ve got nothing to hide. It’s just time now to get this done. We’ve had to put up with the rumors and the heckling and the suspicion for years now and I, for one, am tired of it. I also want to commend Mr. Selig for doing this. He realized that he had no other choice. I also think it was ingenious of him to wait until after the home run record was broken to start giving a shit. Very clever, Bud. Wink wink.”

 





Major League Baseball Game Paused For Random Steroid Test