DURHAM, NC--Devastated by his team’s recent loss to Michigan State, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski turned to his American Express Platinum card for comfort. The grieving coach gently caressed the smooth plastic surface before using it to purchase a brand new Lincoln Navigator. The luxurious vehicle, together with the ultra-dependable American Express card, comforted the coach in his time of grief.
“Players come and go, victories and defeats pile up, but one thing that remains constant is my American Express Platinum card with unlimited spending,” said Krzyzewski while driving his new Navigator through the streets of Durham. “It has all the qualities I would want in a player: it’s loyal, dependable, efficient and intelligent. The only difference is the card won’t go on to become a moderately effective, chronically injured NBA player.”
Aside from loyalty, the Amex card offers many more intangibles that basketball players can not, including guaranteed success and poise in the clutch
“When I go to make a purchase with my card, I know it’s going to come through for me,” said Krzyzewski. “It never lets me down. Even in a clutch situation like when I’m traveling in a foreign country and my wallet is stolen, I know American Express will swoop in and rescue me. One thing it won’t do is go out and shoot 4 for 14 in a goddamn TOURNAMENT GAME AGAINST A LESSER OPPONENT! Thank you very much JJ Redick.”
After the crushing loss, Coach K addressed his team in the locker room and gave them a heartfelt speech about the importance of team play, persistence, and American Express’s zero percent APR for the first six months.
“Kids, whether you win these games or lose them, the important thing is that you grow as a person,” said an emotional Krzyzewski as his players sat in rapt attention. “The important things in life are teamwork, effort and personal integrity. Take American Express for example. These guys offer 5 percent cash back on all purchases, frequent flier mileage, and a plethora of great gift ideas. Do they have to? No, they don’t have to. They’re one of the most profitable corporations in the world. They could sit on their hands and count their money, but instead they choose to go that extra mile for the consumer, and that’s why I say ‘My life, my card.’ Guys, if you learn one thing from me as you go out into the world, make it this: My life isn’t about playing games. That’s why my card is American Express.”
After the speech, Krzyzewski went into his office and sat alone for hours pondering what he could’ve done differently. In the throes of despair he picked up the phone and dialed the number of the American Express customer service desk.
“Hello, welcome to the American Express customer service desk,” said the computerized voice. “You’re call is important to us and will be answered in the order it is received. Calls may be monitored to assure highest quality service.” “Highest Quality Service,” Krzyzewski repeated. “Highest Quality Service. Talk about having their priorities in the right place. This faceless mega-corporation is a shining example of all that is pure and true in the world.”
After a brief, two-minute wait, Coach K was connected with Sheila, one of American Express’s courteous and helpful customer service reps, who comforted him by describing the company’s newest products and services.“Talking to someone like Sheila always picks me up a little,” Krzyzewski said. “Just to know that there is a corporation out there willing to offer its customers membership rewards, low interest rates, and quality financial service advice--that, to me, is more important than winning some meaningless trophy. I just hope my kids understand that. Strong values, morals, decency, and respect—those are the things that define one’s life. That, and good credit. If you don’t have that, you’re pretty much fucked.”
Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. Satire!
|Mike Krzyzewski Turns To American Express Card For Comfort|
|March 29nd , 2005- Volume 1 Issue 93|