EAST LANSING, MI--After years of post game riots for the Pistons, Tigers, and Spartans, Michigan sports fans have grown immune to tear gas, police officials reported Sunday. After the Spartans’ loss to North Carolina on Saturday night, East Lansing police fired the gas into a crowd of out-of-control fans, only to have them laugh and continue rioting. In the future, Michigan police may resort to something stronger, such as nerve gas or grenades.

“This was bound to happen someday,” said Michigan state police chief Paul Garcia. “Every year we end up having to fire tear gas at some group of marauding fans and each year it seems to have less effect. This year it didn’t have any effect at all. It’s clear that these people have developed an immunity. In fact, I think it actually made some of them stronger.”

Garcia described how four police officers were ordered to fire the tear gas into a crowd outside an apartment complex in East Lansing. The crowd was setting fires and throwing bottles and did not respond to repeated orders to disperse. Unfortunately, the tear gas just didn’t work.

“I ordered my men to fire these canisters of CS gas into the crowd, but when they did it only made matters worse,” said Garcia. “I saw the whole thing. People were actually enjoying it. One guy actually asked for seconds. Eventually the entire crowd started chanting ‘more! more! more!’ So we obliged. We doused them with everything we had. They just kept right on partying, while our cops passed out from the fumes.”

One of the officers, Christopher Weir, was forced to fire his gun into the air in order to frighten the crowd away. Even that had limited success.

“Firing your gun is a last resort,” said Weir, “but desperate times call for desperate measures. When you see people seeking out the tear gas and inhaling it like it’s oxygen, you’ve got to turn it up a notch. So I started firing my gun into the air. Most of the people scattered but a few of them stood there defiantly, daring me to shoot at them. So I panicked, aimed my gun at some guy’s head, pulled the trigger, and shot. He just stood there. Then he smiled at me. He had the bullet wedged between his teeth. Man, these people are good at rioting.”

Fans who attended the riot say that police overreacted in firing the tear gas. Some claimed that the large police presence only made things worse.

“We were just exercising our God-given right to set fires in public places,” said Brandon Lesh, a Lansing Community College student. “After a tough loss like that, destroying things really helps to ease the pain. I can’t explain to you the orgasmic joy of gathering with a large group of drunk people and committing arson. The police just don’t understand that. They show up with their guns and tear gas and just cause more of a commotion. They should just sit back, relax, and let us run wild through the streets like rabid dogs.”

Other revelers said they understood the actions of the police, but scoffed at the notion that tear gas would be an effective deterrent.

“Tear gas, for us? Yea, right, that’s going to work,” said Lila Kreutzmann, East Lansing resident. “They may as well be firing water pistols. I eat tear gas for breakfast. My son was born last year with traces of the stuff in his bloodstream. But to be fair to the cops, there’s not much else they could do. Even shotguns have little effect. I know I’m speaking for all Michigan sports fans when I say that I’d rather be shot dead than celebrate peacefully.”

As part of a new effort to reduce rioting, state officials have discussed a new strategy they refer to as “controlled rioting.” A controlled riot would be planned in advance, take place in a designated area, and be closely monitored by police, firefighters, and ambulances.

“We may just set aside an area of town where people can go nuts without restraint,” said Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm. “You know, we could even provide some old junk cars for them to turn over, and give them some lighter fluid and old furniture. This way we can work together with the fans to ensure that all riots are fun, productive, and safe. Then we can save the tear gas for our professional athletes.”

Michigan Sports Fans Now Immune To Tear Gas
April 5th, 2005 - Volume 1 Issue 94