ANAHEIM--Angels outfielder Gary Matthews Jr., under fire for allegedly receiving illegal shipments of Human Growth Hormone from a Florida pharmaceutical company, made a move to restore his image on Saturday by hiring former O.J. Simpson defense attorney Robert Shapiro. Matthews hopes the hiring will prove to the country that he is a man of integrity and honor who would never be involved in any illegal activity.

“I can’t really talk about the allegations themselves, because I don’t have all the information yet,” Matthews told a group of reporters at spring training yesterday. “But I will say this: I have hired Robert Shapiro, the guy who helped get O.J. Simpson away with murder. If he can beat a murder rap for a guy whose blood was all over the crime scene, he can beat this steroid rap for me. Hopefully this will show America that I am simply an innocent man caught in the crossfire.”

In addition to the Shapiro hiring, Matthews also hired Sitrick and Co, a crisis management firm in Southern California that represented Halle Berry when she faced hit and run charges and Rush Limbaugh when he was caught with illegal painkillers.

The hiring of Sitrick and Co, according to Matthews, proves he has “nothing to hide.”

“Obviously I’ve been blindsided by these allegations,” he said. “That’s why I’ve retained the services of Sitrick and Co. These guys are money. They can take those government investigators and cram their heads down the toilet and keep flushing until they say ‘Uncle.’ That’s what I need right now: powerful, influential spin doctor-types who aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. What’s that? Am I guilty of these charges? Um…I’m not really at liberty to say, but consider this: Would a guilty man spend millions of dollars on shady lawyer-types before even being formally charged with anything? Yes? That was a rhetorical question, asshole.”

Matthews signed a 5-year, $50 million contract with the Anaheim Angels after having a career year in 2006. The steroid allegations have taken the organization by surprise, but owner Arte Moreno said he won’t take action until he hears all the facts, a decision that has been praised by Shapiro.

“There are still a lot of facts that haven’t been heard yet, and the Angels are doing the right thing by standing by Gary,” said Shapiro. “I’ve talked extensively with the guy and I can tell you he is innocent of any wrongdoing. His name just showed up on a piece of paper. That’s it. He hasn’t committed any crime. The real criminals are the people who used Gary’s name to buy these drugs. When are the cops going to go after them? When are they going to charge them with something? Seriously, when? Because I’d like to represent them if possible.”

Throughout his career, Matthews has been known as a hard working, team oriented player, but that reputation has taken a hit in recent days. Many of his new teammates are distressed at the steroid allegations, and even more distressed that he refuses to open up the subject. His uncanny silence, combined with his decision to hire a high-priced legal team, has many Angels players shaking their heads.

“At first I felt bad for him, because it’s every player’s worst nightmare to have his name associated with steroids,” said one player, who asked not to be identified. “But all this silence and posturing is making it difficult to feel too much sympathy. I mean, the guy hired Robert Shapiro before he was even charged with a crime. What kind of message is that sending? That you are guilty of something and the shit's about to hit the fan? Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, he killed somebody and is preparing to defend himself. In a weird way, I’d actually respect the guy a little more if that was the case.”

Despite his silence, Matthews Jr. and his legal team are insisting that he will tell his side of the story “when the time is right.” For now, the 32-year-old plans to keep a low profile.

“He is looking forward to telling his side of the story,” said Shapiro. “When the time is right, all the facts are going to come out and people will know the truth. Until then, remember that my client is innocent until proven guilty, and if he is proven guilty, it’s a gross miscarriage of justice, because he hasn’t even committed a crime. Seriously! That’s why this is so funny. The dipshit is paying millions of dollars for all this defense and he’ll probably never even need it. That's why I love this job. It’s the next best thing to being a baseball player.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.