SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie,
wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save
her husband’s life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during
a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento. Christie frantically
screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone,
but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his
aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan to “back
off” even as Doug’s face turned purple and his breath came
out in short, labored gasps.
Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a
male patron to save her husband’s life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta,
a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room,
was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy.
The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let
a female doctor save her husband.
“Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over
like a poodle in heat,” said Christie. “I could tell she
was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn’t let her
near him. Sure, she’s a doctor, but that’s a great way to
get her little tongue down my husband’s throat. Believe me, I’m
no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his
life. He’d feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands
on him. He’d rather die. I’m sure of it.”
Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan
away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the
horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated,
but did admit to “getting physical with her.”
“I wouldn’t say I beat her that hard. I just was trying
to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,”
said Christie. “Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but
I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying ‘He’s
going to die! He’s going to die!’ And I was like ‘Whatever,
bitch. Keep your hands to yourself.’”
After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1,
but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old
waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help.
“After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still
choking,” she said. “So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone
and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of
my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband
like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look
at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.”
After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie.
The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red,
his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone,
while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited.
“I don’t know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that,
so I didn’t want to try anything that would hurt my baby,”
said Christie. “I was getting a little nervous, especially when
his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long
enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have
been killed. But it’s Ok. I made him promise to come back and
haunt me after he dies.”
Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed
the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted
that if another moment had passed, Doug would’ve surely perished.
“I am extremely surprised that this man’s wife did now allow
Miss Jordan to save his life,” said Mehta. “If another minute
had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman
would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.”
After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief.
He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments
before he was rescued.
“Whew, that was a close call,” said Christie, wiping the
sweat off his brow. “I actually saw scenes from my life flashing
by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even
the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the
background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh.
I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink,
of course.”
After thanking Dr. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude
to his wife.
“Although I am glad to be alive, I’m equally glad that my
wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich,”
he continued. “That would’ve been catastrophic. Even if
I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked
at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of
a normal life, actually. Anyway, that’s the last time I ever eat
chicken.”
In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the
Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place
again.
“There’s a lot of danger to eating in public,” said
Doug. “The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know,
you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken
bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance
from a female doctor or paramedic. Don’t laugh. It happened to
us, and it could happen to you.”
This article is satire and
is not intended as actual news. Copyright 2003, The Brushback
- Do not reprint without permission |