Ichiro Receiving Death Threats From Angry George Sisler Fans

SEATTLE, WA--On the verge of breaking George Sisler’s 84–year-old record for most hits in a season, Ichiro is facing an opposition tougher than any pitcher. The Mariners outfielder has recently been the recipient of hundreds of death threats warning him to stay away from the legendary mark. It’s gotten so bad that the team has been forced to hire extra security in order to protect him from the legions of ravenous George Sisler fans.

“Something like this is very common for players on the verge of breaking old records,” said baseball historian Mark Hinman, author of 61. “Maris got it relentlessly when he was chasing Ruth’s record, and so did Aaron. McGuire and Sosa had their share of threats, too. People are very protective of these old records. Sisler fans have always been an intense bunch, and this record is their claim to fame. Unfortunately, that record looks like it’s about to be broken. I wouldn’t want to be in the George Sisler museum when that happens.”

Compounding all the controversy is the fact that Ichiro is from Japan. Most Sisler fans could accept an American breaking the mark, but not a Japanese player. Many of the death threats against Ichiro have contained racial epithets.

“When Aaron was chasing Ruth’s record, the fact that he was black really incensed some close-minded people,” said Hinman. “The same thing is happening with Ichiro. The hit record is part of American folklore and now it is about to belong to a foreign-born player. George Sisler must be rolling over in his grave, wherever that is.”

Suzanne Bryson, travel secretary from the Mariners, said she receives close to a hundred emails a day threatening violence against Ichiro. The Sisler fanatics are growing increasingly nervous about their cherished record.

“The closer he gets to breaking it, the worse the letters become,” said Bryson. “Take this one, for example. It reads ‘You Jap bastard, if you break Sisler’s record I’m gonna hunt you down and kill you!’ And this other one calls him a ‘chink asshole.’ Talk about ignorant. He’s not even a chink. Chinks are from China.”

Ichiro is undeterred by the death threats. He plans to continue pursuing the record in hopes of breaking it for his fans in Seattle and Japan.

“I am not afraid,” he said, through an interpreter. “I feel it is my destiny to be the all-time leader in hits in a season, despite what these ignorant people say. I understand that Mr. Sisler is a respected and admired figure in American history, and I wish no disrespect in my quest for his record. Rather, I feel it is a tribute to his memory to bring that record back to the forefront. Also, since American League pitchers still have no idea how to pitch me, it will be impossible for me not to get the record. Sorry, assholes.”

Not all Sisler fans are protesting Ichiro’s season-long chase for the record, however. Members of the George Sisler Historical Society based in St Louis, MO have voiced their support for Suzuki and denounced the actions of “a few deranged fans.”

“Those few people who are threatening Ichiro do not represent the majority of George Sisler fans,” said Henry G. DeLillo, curator of the George Sisler Museum and president of the historical society. “Rather, most of us support Ichiro and admire his talents as a hitter. We will be happy and honored to have Ichiro break our beloved record. After all, records are made to be broken, even if they are by weirdo Japanese dudes with one name.”

DeLillo also noted that, should Ichiro break the record, Sisler would remain one of history’s greatest hitters.

“The record is a wonderful accomplishment, but it’s still just a number,” he said. “One number cannot define a player’s entire career. Sisler’s career statistics are still quite good. For example, do you know how many career hits Mr. Sisler has? Do you know how many times he led the league in hitting? I don’t the exact number myself, but I’m sure it’s a lot.”

Sisler’s family has already spoken out about the death threats and has claimed to be in full support of Ichiro’s run at the hit mark. Like DeLillo, the Sislers say that one broken record cannot tarnish an entire brilliant career.

“Ichiro is a wonderful hitter and a great guy, and we look forward to the day when he achieves his special milestone,” said Bernice Sisler, George’s granddaughter. “My grandfather accomplished a lot during his major league career, and his life’s work is still very impressive, even without the record. During his career, he had…um…a whole bunch of hits and….uh…a pretty big amount of RBI’s too. He played for um…one of those teams in the Midwest, and probably won a World Series at some point, or at least a division title. Anyway, he used to give me candy when I was a kid. He was a nice guy.”