SPOKANE, WA--Gonzaga forward Josh Heytvelt was suspended indefinitely along with teammate Theo Davis on Saturday after both players were arrested and charged with possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. The arrest was particularly damaging to Heytvelt, a stand-out player and probable NBA draft pick, who had his shrooms confiscated five days before the Panic show at Spokane Arena.

On Monday, Heytvelt issued an apology to his friends and teammates, many of whom chipped in for the shrooms.

“I just want to say to my teammates and my friends that I am sorry for the pain I have caused you,” said Heytvelt. “I understand that you paid your hard-earned money for your share of the mushrooms and now will have to resort to buying some at the show, which can be sketchy. I recommend this guy named Wayne, who drives a white van with lawn chairs attached to the roof and is usually parked near the entrance. Tell him you’re with the Zags. He'll take care of you.”

News of the arrests shocked the community and delivered a black eye to one of the most respected basketball programs in the country. In the Gonzaga locker room, players lamented the loss of their best player and chided Heytvelt for being so careless.

“That’s just irresponsible and immature,” said one teammate, who asked not to be identified. “Guys in this locker room trusted him and he let us down. It’s especially tough because Panic doesn’t come around here too often and we were all kind of gearing up for the show and we wanted to make it as special as possible. And now it’s like, whatever, we might as well go see Chris Fucking Daughtry or something because it’s not going to be the same. I still think he’s a good kid, though. He’s just needs to mature.”

With the locker room reeling, the team still managed to secure a win against St Mary’s on Saturday and remain tied atop the West Coast Conference. It was an impressive victory, but how long can the Zags continue to win without their second leading scorer?

Coach Mark Few believes his team is facing a stiff challenge.

“We have our backs against the wall, no question about it,” Few said, minutes after the victory over St. Mary’s. “This win today showed how much heart we have, but we’re going to need to push even harder in the weeks to come. Will Josh ever return to the team? It’s possible, but remember, we have pretty strict standards of behavior here. We treat our athletes the same way we treat other students. This is why we’re one of the cleanest programs in the country and why we’ll never, ever, win a national championship.”

Few did say Heytvelt was a good kid who simply made a terrible decision.

“This isn’t some evil criminal, just a good kid who made a bad decision and who has some growing up to do,” Few said. “You just hope that he learns from it and it makes him a better person. As for Theo, I have to say I’m very surprised at him. To be honest, I didn’t even think black kids were into psychedelic drugs. I thought it was just a suburban white kid thing. If he’s into Widespread Panic, too, that’s going to turn my whole world upside down.”

With Heytvelt banished from the team, Zags players are not ruling out the possibility of making some noise in the NCAA tournament.

“Do we still have a chance? Yea, I think we do,” said guard Matt Bouldin. “There is still plenty of talent on this team and we still have Mark Few leading us. We’re just going to have to bring our ‘A’ game every night. As for Josh, I really feel sorry for the guy. No basketball, no shrooms, and probably no Panic concert Wednesday night, which sucks because I heard they’ve been tearing it up lately. Dude, those guys are like the Gonzaga of jam bands. They’re white, shaggy-haired, talented, and probably drive around with lots of psychedelic drugs in their cars.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.