Report: Some Professional Athletes May Not Be Adequately Fellated

WASHINGTON, DC - An alarming report released by the Columbia University Sports in Society Research Center indicated that some professional athletes may not be adequately fellated. The shocking study implied that several un-named athletes are not receiving a sufficient amount of oral servicing from our nation’s sports groupies. Dr. Althea Hoffman, the sociology professor who spearheaded the study, claims that the under-fellation of our nation’s athletes is the sports world’s dirty little secret.

“You won’t hear people talking about this on Sportscenter. It’s something that’s been overlooked and swept under the carpet, so a lot of people are going to be surprised. But if you ask the athletes themselves, many would probably say that they know a fellow athlete, or have known a fellow athlete who is not sufficiently fellated,” said Hoffman.

If true, the chilling report will prove to be a major embarrassment for the sports world, and the nation in general. America has long considered itself the world leader in athlete/celebrity worship, and the lavishing of oral favors on our sports stars is a ritual dating back decades to the dawn of the television age. In fact, many athletes report that if it weren’t for oral sex, they never would’ve considered a career in sports.

“Everyone knows that jocks get crazy blow jobs all the time,” said one high profile NFL player, who asked not to be identified. “In high school it was still sort of hard to get head, but I knew if I worked hard, practiced every day, and studied tape, that eventually I’d have all I could handle. And I have not been disappointed. I can pretty much get it any time I want, which makes sense because I can catch a football. To hear that other pro-athletes aren’t getting their share – well, that’s just disturbing.”

Many athletes refused to be interviewed for the study, but the ones who talked backed up Hoffman’s claims. According to those players, some 20 to 30 percent of pro-athletes are not receiving their fair share of oral sex. While none could cite a reason why, they all indicated that the trend appears to be growing.
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I don’t really understand it,” said one player. “But the problem needs to be addressed. Girls just aren’t giving head like they used to. Even me, when I first came into the league, I was getting about a dozen or so a week from different girls, but it’s tailing off. And some guys have to settle for 7 or 8 a week. Can you believe that? This is something that needs to be addressed. How the hell are we supposed to entertain America without getting our dicks sucked constantly?”

Though most athletes still claim to be adequately fellated, the report has sparked a flurry of interest among fans and media. Many are wondering if the outrageous claims in the report are true, and if so, what effect the under-fellation will have on our national sports landscape.

Said Michael Wilbon on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption: “Tony, we both know to take these kinds of reports with a grain of salt. But if it is true, what kind of implications does this have for sports? Are we looking at a future where professional athletes can’t get enough oral sex to help them perform at a level we’re used to seeing? If there’s anything to this whole study, we could be in for a serious decline in the quality of play in every major sport in America.”

“I’ll tell you real problem,” replied CO-host Tony Kornheiser. “It’s the ingratitude! For all these guys do to entertain us and inspire us, they deserve as many blow jobs as they want. How can we consider ourselves the leaders in athlete-worship when our guys can’t even get a little oral? Come on girls, open up those mouths!”

Basketball analyst Bill Walton is outraged at the alleged lack of fellation and is pleading with America to address the issue.

“There are athletes out there, professional athletes, who are giving it their all night in and night out, and all they ask is a little head. Are you telling me that we as a society can’t give a little back to these men, these gladiators, who put their bodies on the line just to entertain us? What is the point of being a celebrated athlete if your dick remains tragically un-sucked? Come on, America. These dicks are not going to suck themselves.”

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue says pro-sports leagues must do more to ensure their players are adequately blown.

“We have to look in the mirror to address this problem. We all must be held accountable, as owners, commissioners, and GM’s, to ensure this problem is stamped out before it becomes an epidemic. When I first entered this league many years ago, sports and constant oral stimulation went hand in hand. And it wasn’t just any oral stimulation, it was the highest quality head possible, and it was readily available. I understand that the NFL, and the sports world in general, are still very much the same as they were back then, but if there is a dark cloud on the horizon, we must take action before it’s too late. George Bush did not wait for Saddam Hussein to attack the U.S., and we will not wait for the lack of fellation to bring the sports world to its knees, so to speak.”

Though Tagliabue seems sincere, some in the league feel the commissioner is just giving the problem lip service. Some even claim that it was Tagliabue who first got wind of the problem years ago, and responded by sweeping it under the rug.

“Tagliabue is a hypocrite,” said one league insider. “He knew about this problem five years ago, when the player’s union sent a memo to his office detailing a sharp drop-off in the volume of blow-jobs. The front office scoffed at the memo back then, and now they’re just trying to cover their tracks. Same can be said for the NBA, MLB, and the NHL. Well, not the NHL. They weren’t getting that much head in the first place, toothless Neanderthals.”

Jim Rome, controversial host of Rome is Burning, spoke out against the fellation deficit during the “smackdown” segment of his show.

“This report makes me sick. If these allegations are true, then I’m ashamed to call myself a sports fan, and the rest of America should be ashamed, too. We as a society have become so complacent that we’re allowing our athletes to go un-worshipped and under-fellated. It’s time for us all to look in the mirror. Well, not all of us. I’m doing my part to shock you out of your lethargic stupor with my razor sharp commentary, ultra-edgy smacktalk, and assertive, meticulously cropped goatee. You think I’m afraid to tell it like it is? You wanna step in the ring with me? I didn’t think so. If we don’t start sucking off these athletes like we used to, then we’re in for a rude awakening. And people wonder why athletes are always committing sexual assault. What choice do they have?”