Before you criticize the Texans, consider this: Mario Williams has been compared favorably to Jevon Kearse. Ok, now you can criticize them, because I wouldn’t give Jevon Kearse $54 million if he was holding my baby for ransom.

The Saints were just sitting there, minding their own business, when all of a sudden Reggie Bush dropped into their laps. The same thing happened to me, but it was at a nightclub and Bush was hammered on seven Zimas. Heavy son of a bitch, too.

Throwing the ball sidearm can actually be pretty effective if you’re playing baseball because it upsets the batter’s timing. In football, it tends to result in passes wedged in the linebacker’s face mask.

The Jets desperately needed a tackle here and they got the best one in the draft in Ferguson. Yes, they could’ve gone with Matt Leinart, but the scouts weren’t sold on his pass-blocking skills.

AJ Hawk is a real character guy who can get in there and make all the little plays. Translation: he’s white.

Vernon Davis has great hands and provides a really big target for a quarterback. He still might not be big enough for Alex Smith, though. Maybe he can have another tight end stand on his shoulders.

Safety is an important position, but couldn’t they have filled it later in the draft? I’m sure there was a tight end in the late rounds capable of standing downfield and waiting around for someone to tackle.

The Bills did a good job selecting someone who isn’t that good, so they don’t have to pay him millions of dollars and put up with his cocky attitude.

The Lions took several players in the draft, apparently signaling the end of their current roster. If those guys were all so good, they would never have bothered looking for replacements, would they?

Leinart made the right decision in not entering the draft after last season. Sure he would’ve been the top pick in the draft, but he never would’ve had a chance to lose the Rose Bowl.

The Broncos just found Jake Plummer’s replacement. Cutler actually has some things in common with Plummer, in that he’s a tough, hard-nosed player who hasn’t accomplished a damn thing in his whole career.

I don’t know why they picked this guy. I don’t know anything about him, really. Never done an ounce of research on him. So I guess you could say I'm not impressed.

This was a huge reach as Kamerion Wimbley was rated very low on my draft board. According my scouting reports, Joseph should have gone in the fifth round and the Browns should have selected nobody here. Wait a minute. That can’t be right.

This is a nice pick, but will his criminal background come back to haunt the Eagles? What, he doesn’t have a criminal background? I thought he went to Florida State.

Probably the worst pick that the Rams could have made here. They have so many holes to fill and they pick a cornerback who used to “run track?” Please. If he was such a great track runner why the hell did he switch to football?

The Dolphins defense finally got a little younger with the addition of Allen, a cornerback out of Tennessee who had his starting job taken from him last year when he started whining about his hip. That’s not going to fly under Nick Saban.

This is the player they needed, clearly the missing link between them and the Super Bowl. The only question now is: can they repeat in 2007?

They should've drafted the Under Armour guy. Did you see the new commercial? I’ve never seen anybody so pumped up. He’s obviously a great leader, too. Only downside is he’s not going to be passing any of those urine tests, if you know what I mean (wink wink).

Now that the Chargers are set at the quarterback position (lol) they can concentrate on the defense, and Cromartie is a speedy cornerback that will bring something new to the Chargers secondary: talent. Pay attention, Quentin Jammer. You might learn something from this guy.

The Chiefs love Tamba Hali’s arms, which are perfect for arm tackling, the Chiefs main defensive strategy. They have secondary strategies, too, such as lying on the ground and getting stepped on.

Still can’t believe the Texans took Mario Williams. Damn.

The good thing about Manny Lawson is that he can easily be converted to a quarterback. You just have to place him behind center. That would pretty much do it.

Most draft picks end up as either busts or special teams players. This guy will probably be a bust because offensive lineman don’t usually play on special teams.

The scouting report calls Joseph “a raw prospect who needs a lot of development.” Well then he should fit in with the rest of the Bengals defense. He’ll probably immediately be named captain.

The Steelers expect Santonio Holmes to take over for Hines Ward, whose career is pretty much over. Hopefully he goes out gracefully, unlike Jerome Bettis who embarrassed himself last season by stumbling ass backwards into the Super Bowl.

The bad news: all the draft experts disapproved of this pick. The good news: none of those people know what the fuck they’re talking about.

The Panthers’ other running back, DeShaun Foster, is as fragile as they come. He’s fine as long as nobody tries to tackle him, but you know those defenders. Stubborn stubborn stubborn. Always with the tackling.

Will this be the pick that gets the Jaguars to the next level? Yes, but the next level is winning one playoff game.

When Jay Cutler is leading the Broncos to the Super Bowl this year, the Jets can watch the game at D’Brickashaw Ferguson’s house and slowly drink themselves to death.

The great thing about Addai, and the thing the Colts scouts are most impressed by, is the fact that he wasn’t even the featured back in college. That’s the kind of player who can step in and make a big impact on your practice squad.

The Seahawks were a couple of misguided audibles away from a Super Bowl victory last season, so naturally they had to go out and acquire a mediocre cornerback. It’s tough down here at the bottom of the round.

Kiwanuka is a raw player who’s a bit undersized and can’t defend against the run. Under Tom Coughlin’s tutelage, however, he should become really adept at showing up to meetings on time.