Florida Smells Like Beer Following Daytona 500

DAYONTA, FL - Environmentalists and cleanup crews were working around the clock to rid Florida of the smell of stale beer following Sunday’s Daytona 500. The bitter, acrid aroma has engulfed the entire region, including the southeastern portion of Georgia, leaving residents holding their noses until the mess goes away.

“Man, it smells like a frat party around here,” said St. Petersburg resident Dale Eldridge. “They must’ve consumed some serious quantities of cheap beer Sunday. Actually, I think I smell Natural Lite. I recognize that shit from my college days.”

Florida residents as far south as Miami reported being inundated with the pungent odor. Miami is approximately 200 miles from Daytona, leaving some to wonder how the smell traveled so far. Mildred Langway, 78, a Miami Beach resident, claims the odor woke her up in the middle of the night on Sunday and hasn’t subsided yet.

“I know those NASCAR people drink a lot of beer, but how in God’s name did the smell waft all the way down here? I can’t imagine the amount of alcohol that was consumed down there. I hope the smell goes away soon. It smells even worse than the Haitian neighborhoods.”

In addition to the smell, some citizens are reporting small streams of beer trickling down the streets of their neighborhoods. Residents of Orlando, a short distance from Daytona Beach, have logged several complaints about the river of beer.

“What we have right now is simply some leftover beer streaming into neighboring towns,” said Orlando Mayor Buddy Dyer. “These small rivers of Natural Lite, Pabst, and Coors can be tracked all the way back to the Daytona Speedway. It makes sense if you think about it. 180,000 fans, say a dozen or so beers each – that’s around 200,000 gallons of beer, I think. Some of that is going to spill or be dropped. Some stale beer will also be disposed of by vendors at the end of the race. If you factor all that in, it’s not that outrageous to imagine a fifty-mile stream of beer. Oh, and I’m pretty sure there’s some urine in there, too.”

The stench of stale beer goes hand in hand with the Daytona 500, and NASCAR racing in general. Each year residents in and around Daytona Beach complain about the smell. But this year has seen a record number of complaints from places far away from Daytona.

Kingsland, a small Georgia town near the Florida border, is reportedly experiencing the after- effects of the Daytona 500 for the first time.

“Usually if you go far south enough, you can start to smell it. It sort of smells like a mixture of pee, vomit, and beer, like my Uncle’s trailer – the one who was on Cops” said Bob Kuzmack, lifelong Kingsland resident. “This is the first time it’s ever drifted up this far. I guess it must’ve gotten caught up in the wind or something. Either that or they’re drinking more than ever.”

According to preliminary figures from beer distributors in the region, NASCAR fans are drinking more every year. With the popularity of the sport on the rise, more fans are attending and more alcohol is being consumed. In addition, longtime NASCAR fans, most of who are avid consumers of beer, are older and more resistant to alcohol. The result is increased consumption, much to the delight of beer salesmen.

Rick Jasperson, owner of BJ’s Beer and Wine in Daytona Beach, says that sales have been on the rise every year: “Last year we had a lot, but this year we have more,” said Jasper, while counting out stacks of 100-dollar bills. “NASCAR is the fastest growing sport in America, which bodes well for beer companies, because beer and car racing go hand in hand. Also, a lot of our regular customers have built up such an immunity to alcoholic beverages that they need to consume more beer to become completely obliterated.”

“Take Jimmy from down the road,” he continued. “When he first turned 21, he used to buy a six- pack for himself and be good for the whole day. Not anymore. It’s been 10 years, and little Jimmy is now fat Jimmy, and he requires a 30-pack for himself. It makes me proud. I feel like I’ve raised some of these people with my booze. A shame about the smell, though. Who would’ve thought there’d be a downside to 200,000 raging alcoholics gathering in one place?”

With officials outraged at the scope of the beer smell, many are wondering who will foot the bill for the monumental cleanup. Several towns have already sent out own teams with mops, buckets, cans of Lysol, and scented candles to begin the arduous process, but they may be looking to NASCAR for some compensation.

Jeb Bush, governor of Florida, has estimated the total statewide cleanup cost to be close to 50 million dollars.

“We’re basically going to have to give the whole state a nice scrubdown. Some of the roads in Daytona and the surrounding towns are flooded with beer. And further away, the smell is just unbearable. We’ve already gone through 3,456 cans of air freshener, at a huge taxpayer expense. And those scented candles aren’t cheap. We will be speaking to NASCAR about footing the bill for this mess.”

But some aren’t satisfied with the cleanup efforts. Though the beer stench has been contained in some towns, it’s been replaced by the bitter smell of chemical disinfectant and aroma therapy candles.

“My whole town smells like fucking sandalwood,” said Tom Holford of St. Augustine. “And my buddy in Gainesville says all he can smell is Potpourri spray. If this doesn’t go away soon, I’ll have to move to the Haitian neighborhood. At least that place smells like good old fashioned shit.”