Report: Eagles Players Have Lost Chip Kelly

PHILADELPHIA--The beleaguered Philadelphia Eagles have lost head coach Chip Kelly, sources reported Thursday. The reports surfaced after back to back embarrassing losses to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Detroit Lions in which the team has, in the words of Kelly, “sucked.”

“The Philadelphia Eagles have lost this coach,” one source said after the Eagles 45-14 loss to the Lions on Thanksgiving. “The past few weeks he just been completely tuned out. It shows in the way the team has been performing on the field, too. They have no leadership, no direction, no cohesion, and no clue. This is a locker room that has lost its coach.”

Players on the team say Kelly has been displaying a general malaise in recent weeks that indicates he has “checked out” for the year.

“He’s there but he’s not there,” one player said. “He doesn't seem to be engaged in what's going on at all. He barely pays attention in meetings. The other day I walked up to him and asked him if I was going to be starting next week, and he’s like, ‘If you want.’ And I’m like, ‘What do you mean?’ And he’s like ‘Do what you want.’ The he went back to playing with his phone. So I did what I wanted, and put myself third on the depth chart.”

In another incident, a rookie player, who asked not to be identified, approached Kelly with a question about the playbook. Kelly called the player by the wrong name and mocked him for trying memorizing everything in the playbook.

“He was like ‘What, are you trying to memorize the whole playbook, dork? Here’s what you do: when the ball is snapped, run as fast as you can and wave your arm around in the air like you’re open. Then, when the ball falls incomplete, unsnap your chip strap angrily and storm off the field. Ok, Tyrell? No, wait….D’angelo. Keyshawn?’ He was just reeling off random names! Amazingly, on the fourth try he got it right. Guy is a football savant.”

Running back DeMarco Murray, who Kelly signed as a free agent in the offseason, has been a disaster for the Eagles. A year after leading the league in rushing, he has accumulated only 515 yards for an average of 3.7 yards per carry. As a result, he has lost his coach.

“Coach seems to have tuned me out,” Murray said after practice this week. “He just simply doesn’t care anymore. Last week I was stopped for a loss on fourth down and as I jogged by him on the sideline he said, ‘Nice play, D.’ I said, ‘What do you mean? We just turned the ball over on downs.’ And he said, ‘Yes but you stayed in bounds so this hellish game will be over quicker.’ Ouch.”

With six weeks to play it seems that the marriage between Chip Kelly and the Eagles is nearly over. But Kelly insists he is still focused and that his team hasn’t lost him.

“My team hasn’t lost me and I haven’t checked out,” Kelly insisted. “We’ve had some issues, sure, but we’re all working together to get them sorted out. I don’t blame the players. It’s me that’s put them in this position. I mistakenly believed that if I drew up a game plan and explained it to them they could execute it. My bad. That’s on me. And I take full responsibility for it.”

Kelly added: “Is there anything else? I need to go stand in line for Star Wars tickets.”