Native Americans Change Tune On Cleveland Indians After 19-Game Winning Streak

NEW YORK--In response to the “repeated and vicious” beatings of innocent Gatorade buckets in Major League Baseball dugouts, Gatorade Co. has introduced a new line of Gatorade buckets that will punch back, the company reported today. The buckets will debut in 2018.

“We’ve been working on this for quite a well and we're real proud of it,” said Randall Neal, CEO of Gatorade Co. “The bucket is designed with these little mechanical arms so if somebody attacks it, it can defend itself. So maybe next time a player gets angry and decides to take it out on the bucket, they'll think twice. It's not likely, though. These guys can't even manage to think once most of the time.”

Starting in 2018, all Gatorade buckets will be equipped with special fists, motion sensors, and gyroscopes. The “fists” will be made of hard rubber and measure one foot in diameter, more than enough to knock a rage-filled strikeout victim to the ground.

Neal said the company regretted having to create such buckets, but the players left them with no choice.

“Hey look, we would be perfectly happy to have our buckets sitting in the dugout doing their jobs of hydrating players and providing them with a tasty and refreshing drink to enjoy between innings,” he said. “But our hand has been forced here. Dozens of these things are damaged and destroyed every year. Not to mention it's bad for our brand to have our buckets blamed every time something bad happens. It's a negative connotation. It's not like they come in and thank the bucket when they do something good.”

In Richmond, VA a prototype of the new bucket was tested out in home games for the Double A Flying Squirrels. While Gatorade called the trial roll-out a 'roaring success', players gave it mixed reviews after many of them ended up with black eyes and broken noses.

“I didn’t care for it,” said outfielder Francisco Soto. “All I did was shove it once after I struck out and it threw a nasty right hand to my kidney. So I hit it back and it got me with a right cross to the chin. Then I hit it again, and it knocked me out. A lot of people might wonder why I didn't just quit after the first punch, but that's not me. I'm actually looking forward to next season so I can get another crack at that asshole.”

Other players, however, have had more positive experiences and voiced support for full implementation of the punching buckets.

“I thought it was kinda cool,” said pitcher Chris Delgado. “I tend to fly off the handle when I have a bad inning and go back into the dugout and assault the bucket with my non-pitching hand. Not a good practice. Getting punched back was a great deterrent. Now all I do is swear at it and call it a dickhead. It’s cathartic but nobody gets hurt.”

As to whether the new buckets will cause certain players to throw more punches, Neal isn’t concerned.

“We think this is going to be a great deterrent for most players,” he said. “Only the dumbest of the dumb are going to keep going back for seconds, or even punch it at all knowing it punches back. And those guys will pay dearly for their actions. Also, don't you think it will be hilarious to watch some 'roided up Neanderthal beaten to a pulp by an inanimate sugar-water delivery system? We do.”