Exposure To Barry Bonds Urine Sample Turns Scientist Into Mutant Superhero

SAN MATEO, CA--Dr. Richard Link, a mild-mannered scientist from California, turned into a mutant superhero after exposing himself to Barry Bonds urine sample while performing tests in his San Mateo laboratory. Link is a molecular biologist who specializes in urine and blood analysis and is employed by major league baseball to assist in the steroid testing program. After receiving a cup of Bonds urine last week, Link performed some tests and detected high levels of unidentified toxic substances. Hours after the discoveries were made, Link noticed some disturbing changes in himself.

He was awakened late at night with an ear-splitting migraine. Before he knew what was happening, his skin turned a putrid shade of green, his veins bulged, and his muscles swelled to grotesque proportions, tearing the shirt off his back. He grew to over seven feet before the transformation was complete.

“I…I…don’t know what happened to me,” said Link, hour later after he returned to normal. “I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst headache I’ve ever had. Before I could go and get an aspirin, I began to transform, to mutate, into some sort of terrifying monster. I was stronger than an ox, faster than lighting, and impervious to pain, an unstoppable force of nature. With my strengths I knew I could destroy anyone and anything in my path, but it was clear to me that I must use my powers for good. Therefore, I am now known as Urine Boy, mutant superhero.”

Link blamed the powerful mutation on the unidentified substances found in Bonds’ urine sample.

“I have no idea what was in Barry’s piss, but it must have been some powerful, highly toxic stuff,” said Link. “I’ve tested a lot of major league ball players, but I’ve never seen anything like this. I’m not saying that Bonds is on steroids. I’m just saying that he’s a frightening, inhuman monster.”

While Bonds himself does not appear to be a mutant superhero, Link believes that whatever toxic substances are in his bloodstream have helped his baseball career greatly. His own reaction to the urine sample has perplexed him, however.

“I’m not sure why I have been saddled with this great duty to rid the world of evil,” said Link. “I’m also unsure why I underwent such a powerful transformation after my exposure. My only guess was that my dark past of family conflict and emotional trauma has somehow played a part in this. But now I must warn other scientists about the danger of being exposed to Bonds’ urine. This shit can seriously fuck you up.”

Later that night, Link transformed into Urine Boy and rampaged through San Mateo, thwarting thee muggings and an assault. Later, eyewitnesses described the scene.

“I was coming out of the mall and there was a fight. Three guys were really beating the crap out of this other guy,” said Len Mansen, 33. “I felt bad but there was nothing I could do. Then all of a sudden I heard this lion-like roar, and from around the corner I saw this huge mutant freak come charging towards them. He lifted one of the guys over his head and threw him about twenty feet. The second guy tried to hit him, but he caught his arm and tore it right off. The third guy just ran. Then the mutant helped the victim to his feet and went on his way. As he was running past me, I noticed the distinct odor of urine. That’s when I realized we were dealing with a new kind of superhero, one that smells like a gas station restroom.”

One woman, who was rescued by Urine Boy, was amazed by his awesome power.

“Some street toughs were tying to steal my purse,” said the woman, who asked not to be identified. “I had no chance to stop them, but that mutant guy who smells like piss saved me. He took one of the guys and snapped his neck with just two fingers. Another guy he lifted up and spiked like a football. I haven’t seen strength like that since Barry Bonds hit that 500-foot home run into McCovey cove. I just hope this new superhero doesn’t turn out to be on steroids. That would really taint his accomplishments.”

Later that evening at his home, Dr. Link attempted to determine what strange mix of chemicals had been present in Bonds’ urine sample. Was it a known performance enhancer, like THG, or was it something more sinister? Link is working quickly to find out and gain a better understanding about his metamorphosis.

“I’ve seen every different kind of supplement and steroid that there is, but I have never seen anything quite like this,” he said, peering through a microscope. “It seems to be a hybrid of common chemicals and bizarre, synthetic additives that may or may not be of this earth. I guess that explains all the home runs and the rippling muscles and the over-sized head. But we must contain Bonds’ urine. The man is like a walking toxic waste dump. I’m surprised he doesn’t glow in the dark.”

Link is trying to keep his secret, but he’s worried that the Pentagon may be monitoring him. His fear is that they will steal the urine and use it to make a super race of Barry Bonds-like mutants to wreak havoc across the earth.