PHILADELPHIA--76ers GM Billy King kicked off the team’s rebuilding project today by firing himself and several members of his front office staff. The firing sent a message to the club that nobody was safe from the chopping block.

Afterward, King said the Sixers were back on track.

“This move will pave the way for it to be rebuilt by somebody who knows what the hell they’re doing,” King said. “I have nothing but respect for myself, but sometimes you need a fresh voice to come in and shake things up. I don’t know who that fresh voice will be, but he’s got a long, painful road ahead of him. If I had one piece of advice it would be to not fuck everything up over and over again until the team is financially crippled. That’s where I veered off course.”

King said he was disappointed about losing his job, but understood that it was a business decision that was made in the best interest of the team.

“Of course I am disappointed to be leaving the team, but this is a bottom line business,” he said. “Hopefully other team owners will look at this decision and realize that I’m a smart and creative thinker who isn’t afraid to ruffle a few feathers for the good of the team. I don’t care if you’re the star player or the head coach or the GM, you’ve got to be held accountable. That’s my credo. So if anybody out there wants to hire me, I guarantee that if I ruin your team I will hold myself accountable.”

In his tenure with the 76ers, King has failed in his attempts to build a championship team around superstar Allen Iverson, instead surrounding him with expensive older players and underachieving youngsters. Last year’s hiring of Maurice Cheeks did nothing to improve the club, despite the fact that Cheeks played for the 76ers and is a nice person.

“Hiring Maurice just didn’t have the effect we all wanted,” said King. “That surprised me because he’s such a popular guy around here. I thought that would guarantee us a championship or at least placate Allen Iverson, but it didn’t do either. In fact I’m pretty sure Allen would be happy to see Maurice go at this point. Sometimes I wish he could just take over behind the bench himself. Then he would see how miserable it is to coach him.”

Iverson himself was surprised to hear about King’s firing but didn’t appear too despondent, probably because his own days in Philadelphia are numbered.

“It’s too bad that Billy got fired,” Iverson told the Philadelphia Inquirer on Thursday. “He was a good GM but he made some bad decision while he was here. Our roster right now is just uneven. All these young guys, they don’t know what they’re doing. They’re talented but clueless. We need people who can do the little things it takes to win, such as make and defend baskets and stay out of my way.”

Team chairman Ed Snider does not know who will replace Billy King, but he credited King with having the courage to make the most painful cut of all – himself.

“I can’t give Billy enough credit for what he did,” said Snider. “It took a lot of guts to pull the trigger on that decision. If I had that kind of courage I’d be a better man. Actually, if I had that kind of courage I wouldn’t even had a job anymore.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.