NEW YORK--The Major League Baseball steroid scandal has tarnished the game’s image and alienated some of its oldest fans, many of whom are saddened by the cynicism and corruption of the modern game. With the integrity of baseball in serious doubt, purists are calling for a return to simpler times, when players snorted coke before games instead of injecting illegal steroids.

“In my day the players didn’t need any steroids to help them hit home runs,” said Dick Vernon, hitting coach for the Pittsburgh Pirates from 1976-1981. “Guys spent more time working on their swings than their physiques. And everyone, from the batboy to the star centerfielder, was on high-grade coke. I guess there’s just no room in today’s sophisticated, cynical game for some good old-fashioned nose candy. Baseball has truly lost its innocence.“

In the golden age of the late 1970’s and 80’s, major league baseball was in the grip of a widespread cocaine epidemic. Like steroids, it was the league’s dirty little secret until a number of star players admitted to selling the drug and even taking it during games. Now cocaine has been replaced by steroids, and traditional fans are outraged.

“Baseball’s rich tradition of cocaine use is a thing of the past, thanks to the anything-for-a-buck attitude of today’s players,” said author and long time baseball fan George Will. “Modern day players make too much money to risk their health on something that won’t improve their power numbers or get them on Sportscenter. Sure they may be healthier, but are they happier? I doubt it. Nobody is happier than a person on coke.”

Steve Howe, a former major league pitcher who was suspended seven times for cocaine use, supports the league’s strict new steroid policy. He is also calling on the union to educate players about possible alternatives, like cocaine, weed, or ecstasy.

“I think as part of the new program, players should be encouraged to try other drugs, like coke or speed,” Howe said during a recent interview with the New York Post. “It’s only fair to let them know their other options. It’s not all about hitting more home runs. For instance, cocaine will not increase your muscle mass, but it will convince you that you’re an interesting person and that people enjoy hearing you talk. In other words, it'll turn you into Curt Schilling.”

Howe also ridiculed modern players for their obsession with physical fitness, saying that players in his day knew how to relax and have fun.

“Back in my day we would go out drinking after every game,” Howe said. “We would head out to bars and do lines right there on the table. Then we’d pick up some local girls and take them back to our hotel rooms and do more coke. Then we’d wake up in the morning, come to the ballpark all hungover and take some uppers to wake ourselves up. I’ll tell you what we weren’t doing, though: sticking needles in our asses. Notice I said ‘asses’ and not ‘eyeballs.’”

Cocaine is not the only drug missing from major league clubhouses these days. The use of marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes is on the decline as well.

“You don’t see too much of that stuff anymore. It’s gone out of fashion,” said Cards manager Tony LaRussa. “Players today are much more interested in consuming protein shakes and health food. It seems their only vices these days, if you can call them that, are taking steroids and soliciting underage prostitutes.”

Baseball may never see a return to its glory days of rampant cocaine and alcohol abuse. The league’s anti-drug policies are stronger than ever and it looks as though widespread usage is on a permanent decline. Still, old-timers would like to see some of today’s stars give cocaine a chance.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. this article is satire and is not intended as actual news.