Nation’s Backward-Hatted Men Come To Defense Of Draftkings

NEW YORK- The nation’s backward-hatted men sprung to the defense of daily fantasy sports website DraftKings on Tuesday, claiming the site is “awesome” and pays out millions of dollars per week to people just like them. The site, along with Fan Duel, is currently under investigation for an insider trading scandal.

“DraftKings is a great site,” said DraftKings fan and backwards-hatted person Todd Daniels. “I use it every day. All you do is put your money in, pick your sport, pick your team, and collect your winnings. It's fantastic! Why would the Attorney General go after them? DraftKings is helping people. Try going after some terrorists, bro.”

Daniels, 30, has been playing weekly fantasy sports since 2013 and has won a total of $21.71.

“I’ve deposited around $2500 so far and won a little over 20 bucks,” he said. “It doesn’t seem like much, but its 20 bucks more than I would have had if I didn’t play. Plus it's not always about the money, it's about the excitement. Before DraftKings, all I did on Sundays was watch football. Now I watch football, and deposit money into a sports gambling website.”

Chad Swanson, avid wearer of backward hats and NFL game jerseys, also defended the beleaguered site.

“Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of staring at a tablet all day until your eyes bleed,” said Swanson, 32. “Or nervously pacing around a bar hoping the kicker from the Jacksonville Jaguars makes another extra point. Yes, I have lost money, and it's probably not the most productive way to spend your time, but it beats the hell out of confronting the terrifying emptiness that is my life.”

Swanson also insisted that the recent allegations of insider trading against Draft kings are trumped up.

“It’s all bullshit,” said Swanson. “You get to the top and everybody wants to bring you down. They’re corrupt, are they? Well then I suppose ESPN and the NFL are corrupt, too, because those guys endorse DraftKings.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” he added. “I have to go to the bathroom and adjust my backwards hat so it’s in line with my eyebrows.”

Not everybody in the football viewing public is a fan of weekly fantasy football, however. Paul Zambrano, a NYC bartender, says DraftKings and Fan Duel are ruining Sundays.

“It used to be kids would come in, drink, and root for the home team,” said Zambrano. “If they wanted to gamble they’d write their bet on a napkin and slide it to me. And if they didn’t pay up I’d take 'em out back and rough 'em up. Now they sit and stare at their phones all day like a bunch of school girls. Football 'aint what it used to be. Neither are 18-35 year old white males.”