BOSTON--Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo, currently second in the NBA in assists, has stopped passing the ball after reading Ayn Rand’s controversial objectivist tome, Atlas Shrugged, teammates report. The point guard is now espousing “the virtue of selfishness” and taking every shot himself.“All of a sudden he just stopped passing the ball,” said Paul Pierce. “He was just dribbling away, ignoring everybody. I was like ‘dude, what are you doing?’ and he was like, ‘practicing objectivism, bitch’ and then he launched a deep three pointer.”
Coach Doc Rivers is attempting to downplay the situation, saying Rondo is “going through a phase” and will start passing the ball again any day now.
“It’s no big deal, he’s just going through a phase,” said Rivers. “I’m not going to worry about it too much. I remember I went through the same phase in college. I read The Fountainhead and stopped holding the door for people.”
“But if he doesn’t snap out of it in the next couple weeks we can just get Averly Bradley in there,” he continued. “He can’t read above a third grade level so we don’t have to worry about him.”
Rondo was pulled from a game last week against Cleveland when he launched 9 straight shots in the first quarter. When he came back into the game in the third quarter he picked up where he left off, launching five straight shots and ignoring teammates pleas for the ball.
After the game, he explained himself to reporters.
“Have you ever heard of objectivism? It says that the moral purpose of one’s life is the pursuit of one’s own happiness. My whole life my coaches have been urging me to share the ball with my teammates. I now understand those teammates were pathetic leaches who can't do anything for themselves. Losers. Get your own ball if you want to shoot.”
Rondo also warned teammates and coaches that he would “Go Galt” if they tried to hinder his new approach to the game and life.
“In the book, there’s this dude named John Galt who decides to move to an isolated community in Colorado in order to deprive society of his wonderful talents. That’s what I want to do. I just need to find a community of fiercely independent, mountain dwelling, anti-government rebels that doesn’t hate black people.”
GM Danny Ainge, who was shopping Rondo in the offseason, is trying everything to get through to his young point guard, but he knows how seductive the words of Ayn Rand can be.
“Believe me, I’m talking to Rondo night and day trying to snap him out of this,” said Ainge. “It’s just that he’s at an impressionable age right now. You have to give kids like him space to go through their retarded little phases. The good news is he misses all those shots he takes, so we're still able to score on put backs. KG is averaging 40 points per game this week.”
Copyright 2012, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.
Point Guard Stops Passing Ball After Reading Atlas Shrugged
|April 10, 2012|