Yogi Berra’a Quirky Sense Of Humor Actually Alzheimer’s

MONTCLAIR, NJ--According to an Associated Press report, Yogi Berra, beloved baseball icon, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The diagnosis came as a shock to his family and friends, many of whom could not tell if Berra was going crazy or simply being his offbeat, quirky self.

“I had no idea,” said his wife Florence. “Yogi’s always saying such strange things, you know? So last week when he said ‘Hey, I had 4 hits today, but we lost to the Indians’, I just assumed, I don’t know, he was saying one of his Yogi-isms. Turns out he was hallucinating.”

Berra is one of the most quoted personalities of our time. Several of his “Yogi-isms” are listed in Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. He coined the phrase "It aint over till its over," "It’s deja vu all over again,” and many others. The sayings tend to be offbeat and nonsensical, but contain simple truths that make them strangely profound.

However, according to doctors, Berra has had Alzheimer’s for quite some time, so some of his memorable quotes were simply the ravings of a madman.

“He was sick when the said ‘If you see a fork in the road, take it,’” said his wife. “I guess it makes sense when you think about it. I mean, what the hell does that mean anyway?”

The illness was discovered at a luncheon in Berra’s hometown of Montclair, NJ. Berra was the guest speaker, and his speech became increasingly erratic and unfocused.

“I thought he was brilliant,” said friend Phil Rizzuto. “Especially when he said ‘Where am I?’ and ‘Why am I here?’ So philosophical. His mind is a national treasure.”

According to witnesses, audience members listened intently as Berra unleashed a torrent of inexplicable, bizarre, and senseless gibberish. At the end of the speech, he received a standing ovation from the appreciative crowd.

“That was such a thrill,” said Bob Dubois, 52. “I’m such a huge fan, and to see him up there doing his thing was amazing. Everything he said had that folksy charm. My favorite line was when he said ‘Life is like a watermelon. My feet are cold.’ Wow. I wrote it down on a napkin.”

Another attendee talks about her experience watching Yogi Berra speak:

“Oh it was such a thrill,” said Edna Feinstein. “I’ve been a fan of his for years. The funniest thing he said all night was ‘In baseball, you always win if you have good hamburgers. Good hamburgers beat anything.’ So true, so true. Of course, hamburgers are just a metaphor for pitching - or something.”

Unfortunately, when Berra returned home his wife reported more erratic behavior. That evening, Berra reportedly came down the stairs stark naked except for his cleats, cap, and glove. He asked Florence if she would drive him to work.

“I got to get to the old Polo Grounds,” mumbled Berra. “That old dog McClosky’s pitchin and I gotta get em back for beaning me last week. And we gotta take it to those damn bums anyway. Who stole my pants?”

His wife immediately retrieved his pants and called a doctor.

“I didn’t want to see him pants-less for another minute,” said Florence. “Even he doesn’t like to see himself pants-less. That’s when I knew something was wrong.”

The family doctor, Dr. Edward Lowe, arrived soon after. He too found nothing wrong with Berra at first. It wasn’t until he conducted further tests that he realized he might be dealing with a classic case of Alzheimer’s.

“At first we were just having a conversation about baseball,” said Dr. Lowe. “It was nice. He said a lot of funny stuff too, like ‘Pitching is like a woman, you wanna keep the hitter off balance and not walk anyone.’ I just love those little pearls of wisdom.”

However, the conversation soon turned sour. When Dr. Lowe tried to ask Berra how he felt, Berra became agitated and accused Lowe of trying to steal his wife.

“Get out of here, you bastard! She’s mine! And stop asking me how I’m feeling. And why do you keep calling me Yogi? Its cold in here…Mother?”

At that point, Dr. Lowe suspected something might be wrong.

“Untreated Alzheimer’s can result in some pretty strange behavior. This stuff about me trying to steal his wife was just totally off base. Have you seen her? She’s like 80. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Dr. Lowe and Mrs. Berra determined that they shouldn’t wait any longer to bring Berra to the hospital for more observation. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as easy as they hoped. A confused Berra wandered out of the house and into the backyard, where he was discovered standing on a tree stump shouting gibberish.

“He was saying ‘I am the lizard king, I can do anything,’” said Dr. Lowe. “I just said ‘Yes, Yogi. Yes you are. You’re the lizard king. Now please come down.’”

Afterwards, Berra was given a battery of tests that determined that he was indeed suffering from the illness. It is not known how many of his famous Yogi-isms were uttered under the influence of Alzheimer’s, but Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations says it has no intention of removing any of Yogi’s entries from the famed book.