NBA Players Hand Out Free Turkeys To Luxury Box Owners

NEW YORK--It’s the season of giving in the NBA, and once again the league is doing it’s part to give something back to the community. As part of the new “NBA Cares” campaign, players handed out free turkeys to luxury box owners prior to last weekend’s games. The event will continue through next week, until every luxury box owner gets a turkey.

Commissioner David Stern hopes the giveaway will help improve the league’s image.

“This is a great way for the players to say ‘thank you’ to the community, most notably the luxury box owners who pay their salaries,” said commissioner David Stern. “I’m sure a lot of people would say this is silly, because luxury box owners are already so rich, but I ask you, don’t rich people eat turkey, too? They’re just like you and me. Plus, these people are very important. They have money. I would personally fellate each one of them if they asked me.”

In Cleveland, at the Quicken Loans Center, Lebron James presented a free turkey to luxury box owner Daniel Emerson, CEO of Key Bank. Emerson said he was touched by the gesture, even though he already has his own Thanksgiving turkey.

“Oh, thank you so much! That’s so kind of you!” said Emerson, as James handed him a 12 pound butterball. “Wow, what a great turkey. This really shatters the image of NBA players being selfish. I hope people see it and take notice. I especially hope poor people see it and appreciate the irony that they can’t afford a turkey and I’ll probably be throwing this one away.”

Afterward, James said he’ll never forget the experience of reaching out to luxury box owners.

“That was really gratifying,” James said. “Just looking at the faces of the luxury box owners as they’re receiving their free turkeys—that makes it all worthwhile. I’m sure the fact that it was me, Lebron James, made it even more thrilling. Did you know I have a billboard here in Cleveland that’s, like, 10 stories high? Yes, I am God.”

Across the country in Phoenix, luxury box owners were delighted to receive their turkeys from none other than Shawn Marion and Steve Nash. They, too, were touched by the generosity and compassion of the NBA.

“You know, just when I start to lose faith in humanity, something like this happens to remind that deep down, people are good,” said Robert G Montross, wealthy businessman who owns three luxury boxes at America West arena. “When I first saw Shawn walking into my suite, I thought ‘Oh, God, just take my money. Please don’t hurt me,’ and I curled up in the fetal position under my chair. When he peaked underneath to see me I yelled ‘Don’t touch me, you psychopath! I’ll call the police!’ Then I realized he was just giving me a Thanksgiving turkey, and we shared a good laugh. Then I called the police anyway and had him arrested for trespassing.”

Despite the heartfelt gratitude shown by the league’s luxury box owners, players feel that they benefited even more from the turkey giveaway. The joy of giving, whether to a hungry child or a ruthless billionaire, provides a feeling of satisfaction that money can’t buy.

“This was a great idea by the NBA,” said Steve Nash, who personally distributed a dozen turkeys. “Those corporate CEO’s have done so much for us that it was high time we did something to give back. I remember last season we did a turkey giveaway at this orphanage. Then we rode across town to a homeless shelter. I kept hearing that we were ‘giving back.’ But that implied that those people had ever given us something. They haven’t given us shit. Every time I handed a turkey some little kid I was like ‘You owe me one, prick.’ Needless to say, this year was different.”

Commissioner Stern promised that the luxury box owner turkey giveaway has been a “roaring success” and will become an annual occurrence at NBA games.

“I think it’s safe to say that we’ve got a hit on our hands,” said Stern. “Everyone I’ve talked to, from the luxury box owners to the players, has really enjoyed it. I’d also like to thank the every day fans out there for all they’ve done to support the NBA. If it wasn’t for your tax money and your willingness to pay exorbitant amounts for game tickets and NBA merchandise, we wouldn’t even be able to afford to build these arenas in the first place. So thank you. Your generosity is only surpassed by your stupidity.”