NEW YORK--New York City’s bid to host the 2012 Summer Olympic games was given an unexpected boost yesterday, when several terrorists came out in support of the idea. Osama Bin Laden, Ayman al-Zawahiri and Iraqi terror cell leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi all seemed to approve of the idea of drawing hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world to New York City for the two week event.

“This is a very good idea,” said Bin Laden, on an audiotape aired on Al-Jazeera Monday. “We would like to voice our strong support for the infidels to hold the Olympic games in the city of evil, New York. Please, allow this large gathering of targets--I mean citizens--to take place. It will be the perfect venue to unleash our awesome new dirty bomb. Wait—stop the tape. Erase that part. No. Rewind, you fool! Is it rewound? OK, take that one again…It will be the perfect venue for the world’s athletes to run and jump and such. Yes, that’s better.”

CIA experts believe that Bin Laden’s support for the Olympic bid may have ulterior motives. They cited several passages from the tape that seemed to indicate some kind of hidden agenda.

“Well, he did mention something about a dirty bomb. Luckily, the person recording the tape was too stupid to erase it correctly,” said one high ranking CIA official. “The question is, does Bin Laden want the Olympics to take place in New York because it’s a beautiful host city, or because he wants to kill a bunch of people? It’s certainly something to think about. But since this is Bin Laden, we have to be a little skeptical. We don’t have any intelligence indicating that he’s a sports fan.”

A separate tape, purportedly from al-Zawahiri, appeared to be aimed at soothing the US’s fears of a terrorist attack.

“My friends, if you do not hold this ceremony in the beautiful metropolis of New York, than we, the terrorists, have already won,” he said in the grainy audiotape. “Please, go on with your plan. We will just sit here and mind our own business. And don’t worry about security. You must not live in a police state. You must go on with your sinful lives. Death to America.”

Experts who analyzed both tapes confirmed their authenticity, but are puzzled by the content of the speeches. While some say Al Qaeda may be trying to soften its image, others stick to the notion that things are not what they seem.

“It’s highly unusual for Al Qaeda to come out in support of the United States, especially New York City,” said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld. “One has to view these kinds of things with an air of skepticism. Still, al-Zawahiri made a great point. If we live in fear, the terrorists will have already one. Plus, there probably aren’t any sleeper cells in New York anyway. I repeat it to myself several times a day. It keeps me from wetting my pants.”

Daniel Doctoroff, the deputy mayor for economic development who is leading the bid for New York, is pushing forward with it despite the statements from Al Qaeda.

“Those Al Qaeda statements can be taken any number of ways,” he said. “I mean, some people would say that the glass is half empty, some would say the glass is half full. I’m an optimistic kind of guy, so in my opinion there was no malice whatsoever in those audiotapes. We’re moving forward with this bid. We have faith that the geopolitical concerns will be alleviated by 2012, anyway. By that time, the whole world should be firmly under the control of America.”




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