Sumo Wrestler Thinks New Loincloth Makes Him Look Fat

TOKYO - Kokkai Futoshi, a Japanese sumo wrestler, expressed concerned yesterday that the new loincloth he was wearing made him look fat. The 423-pound Futoshi stood in front of his mirror, twirled around in a circle, and stared at his reflection with a furrowed brow.

“I am afraid that I look overweight in this loincloth,” said the 20-year old Futoshi. “I don’t know, maybe I’m just being overly self-conscious, but my ass looks huge in this thing. I can’t go out in public like this. No way.”

The loincloth was given to him as a gift from his wife, Keiko, who hoped he would wear it for his upcoming tournament in Tokyo.

“I bought it at the shop down the street,” said Keiko. “This is his first big tournament, and I know he wants to represent the western region well. I thought it was very nice. Look how silky smooth it is. It is elegant and regal and perfect for a man of his stature. But no. He is too self-conscious. If he was so concerned about his weight he never should have put on that extra 275 pounds last summer. Back then he was deeply committed to the ancient art of sumo, but now all he talks about is his ass. I fear he is becoming vain.”

Futoshi insists that vanity is not the problem. He says that his previous loincloth fit him more loosely and didn’t exaggerate his gargantuan buttocks.

“My old sash was a lot better,” said Futoshi. “I didn’t want to be rude when Keiko presented me with this gift, but my true feelings are that I look better in the old one. It was loose and not so form fitting. My God, I knew I had a fat ass, but now it looks like it should have its own zip code.”

Futoshi’s colleagues believe that the young wrestler needs to get comfortable with his own body and accept the fact that he is overweight. They predict the embarrassment will fade once he experiences the glory and triumphs of sumo wrestling.

“Young Futoshi is experiencing some growing pains,” said his coach, Ryoichi. “He will soon learn that his oversized rear is an asset that will propel him to the highest ranking. It is normal for a young wrestler to be uncomfortable with his appearance, but he must learn to be proud of his girth. In sumo, he will be regarded as beautiful and majestic, even though in every other walk of life he will be regarded as an aircraft carrier.”

Futoshi’s best friend, Taku, actually envies the portly wrestler.

“Futoshi is lucky, believe me,” said Taku. “While I am watching my weight, he is able to consume everything but the kitchen sink. Rice, delicious stew, meats, vegetables, anything he chooses. And he complains? Ha. Let us see him try this so-called Atkins diet. He would last about five minutes before he started eating his own hand.”

Still, Futoshi insists he looks fat. The sumo wrestler is so bothered by his appearance that he may opt to insult his wife and go back to his old loincloth.

“Ugh, I am so fat,” he said, shaking his head. “I am so disgusting. My ass cheeks are so gross and huge, I can’t even look at them. That’s it. I’m not wearing this thing. For one thing, it is white. White makes you look fat, black makes you look thin. That is common sense. Also, it is tight so that the thong part rides up my behind and gives me a wedgie. I look like such a fat pig. I’m sorry but I can’t wear this thing.”

Upon hearing the news that her husband was leaning towards using his old loincloth, Keiko became furious.

“No way,” she said. “I will not allow that. Have you seen that thing? It is old and smelly and faded, there are strings of fabric hanging from it, and it sags like a baby’s diaper. Plus, it smells. No matter how much fabric softener I use, it always comes out of the wash reeking of shit. The only reason it is so loose is because it is worn. The new one is snug like they are supposed to be. It will give him an advantage because it will be harder for his opponents to grip.”

She went on to say that if she needs to dispose of the old loincloth herself, she will do just that.

“I will throw it away if I must. It is disgusting. Look at it,” she said, dangling it in front of her. “He is too much of a child to throw away his old clothes and sometimes I have to do it for him. This old rag is no longer appropriate for him to wear, just like the old Def Leppard T-shirt I had to dispose of last year. I was like ‘Futoshi, you are not an extra large anymore. This thing can’t even fit over your head.’ So this loincloth will go the way of the Def Leppard shirt, and that’s final.”

In the end, Futoshi realizes he will probably have to acquiesce to Keiko’s will.

“She wears the pants in the family, so to speak,” said Futoshi. “I remember that Def Leppard shirt very fondly. It was black and had a picture of Joe Elliot on the front. He was surrounded by flames and scantily clad women. I admit, I should have disposed of it after I gained 275 pounds, but a man sometimes has a sentimental attachment to a piece of clothing. This is part of growing up. I know I cannot win this battle, and the loincloth will be disposed of. Perhaps I will grow to like this new one and I will no longer think I am so fat and gross and flabby.”