Stuart Scott Caught Hiding In Broom Closet Practicing Ebonics

BRISTOL, CT--In a rather embarrassing situation for the hip young ESPN anchor, Stuart Scott was caught hiding in a broom closet, apparently practicing ebonics for his nightly Sportscenter taping. Scott was discovered by a janitor, who had walked into the closet to get a new mop head.

“I just needed a new mop head, so I went into the supply closet, and there’s Stuart Scott, sitting on a little stool with headphones on,” said the janitor, Lee Stenson. “He didn’t hear me come in, so he just sat there and kept talking in this urban street slang. I think he was getting it from the headphones.”

Despite the accusations, Scott denies that he was listening to hardcore gangster rap in order to pick up on the latest urban slang and improve his “street cred”.

“Nah, it wasn’t like that,” said an embarrassed Scott. “I just like to go chill sometimes in the broom closet, kick back and listen to some Method Man or Jay Z or something. You know, its all quiet in there and shit, and it helps a brother get some rest. Y’all don’t know how much pressure we be under doin this shit, dog.”

According to Stenson, when Scott noticed that he was watching he attempted to cover himself by picking up the newspaper and pretending to read it.

CO-workers at ESPN were not surprised by Scott's actions. According to sources, many of Scott’s acquaintances are suspicious of his hip urban slang, pointing out that it varies drastically from his natural conversational tone. He seems to be able to “turn it on and off,”say CO-workers.

“That’s definitely an affectation of sorts,” said Dan Patrick, ESPN anchor. “When he first started working here, he spoke the king’s English. Then all of a sudden, he started saying things like ‘boo-yea’ during broadcasts. Then he started referring to everyone as ‘dog,’ and it just sort of snowballed from there.”

Indeed, in tapes of Scott’s early broadcasts, the sportscaster displays a style that is completely unlike his current manner of speaking. An excerpt from his first telecast:

“Greetings, ladies and gents and welcome to Sportscenter. Today the Boston Red Sox defeated the New York Yankees in a superlative match featuring as many twists and turns as a Dostoevsky novel. Alas, the Boston Red Sox emerged victorious on the wings of Clemens’ masterful and exquisite performance, which made one hearken back to the days of old Cy Young himself.”

Scott defended himself by saying that his style evolved naturally over the years, and that his natural transformation in tone and attitude should not be interpreted as a calculated image change.

“Dog, I just got a little hipper, that’s all. You printin this? Good. Make sure you put ‘dog.’”

When viewing Scott’s later work, the difference is obvious. An excerpt from last night’s broadcast: “Dog, da Braves be knockin da cover of the ball! Here comes my boy Chipper. Boo yea! That’s outta here, dog! Next inning, the 3-2 pitch from Gonzalez…boo yea! Sheffield’s in the hizzz-ouse!”

Many of his friends are confused with Scott’s attempts to sound more ‘urban.’ They say he should be happy who he is, and not try to use a hip slang to attempt to identify with a group of people he has nothing in common with.

“Look,” said one associate anonymously. “He went to University Of North Carolina and got a bachelor’s degree in speech communication. He grew up in a middle class neighborhood. He’s no ODB, that’s for sure. He’s more like Ted Koppel.”