Satan ‘Totally Hooked’ On Grand Theft Auto 4

HELL - Satan, Prince of Darkness and overlord of Gehenna, claims to be “totally hooked” on Rockstar Games’ Grand Theft Auto 4: Vice City. The Ruler of all That is Evil received a copy of the game two weeks ago, and hasn’t stopped playing since.

“Oh my God, this game kicks ass,” said Satan, from his castle in the 8th circle of Hell. “I’ve been playing all day. I’m almost done with all the missions. This game has it all: killing, raping, beating, carjacking, drugs. I’m so proud of Rockstar Games for helping desensitize people to hideous acts of violence. I’m really looking forward to greeting them when they die.”

Satan claims that he purchased the game at a Best Buy in Encino, CA, on the advice of one of his minions, Asmodeus.

“Asmodeus, Prince of Wantons, is totally into video games,” said Satan. “He especially loves ultra-violent ones, for obvious reasons. When he told me about GTA, I almost didn’t believe him. It sounded too good to be true, so I went down to Best Buy and grabbed a copy. Whoa. Asmodeus was right. Grand Theft Auto embodies the spirit of everything I stand for. What a find.”

Lucifer believes that video games add a new level of temptation and debauchery that will further corrode the moral foundation of mankind. The beauty of the new generation of virtual reality games is that they allow people to indulge their basest, most criminal desires without fear of reprisal.

“You don’t see a helluva lot of video games that allow the user to help old ladies cross the street, give to the poor, and perform random acts of kindness,” Satan said. “Instead, they cater to people’s darkest impulses. In GTA, the killing is so realistic, it’s one step from committing actual murder. Woo hoo!”

Among his favorite features are the crisp graphics and the hip 80’s soundtrack.

“I’ve always loved Flock of Seagulls,” he said. “What’s the name of that one hit they had? I can’t remember, but it’s so catchy. And the graphics…holy fuck are they good. I just love the 3-D, interactive environment. If you told me ten years ago that there would be 12-year-olds all over America staring like zombies at their TV screens while controlling a character who is perched atop a building picking off old ladies with a sniper rifle, I would’ve said it was too good to be true. But it’s true. Games like this are teaching people to get in touch with their inner serial killer.”

Sam Houser, president of Rockstar Games, was informed of Satan’s affection for his game. He seemed pleased with the news, although not too surprised.

“Satan? Oh yea, he’s a great guy,” said Houser from his home in Miami. “I should know because I sold my soul to him five years ago. Not at all what you’d expect. Very pleasant, cordial, and actually quite funny. And don’t believe what they say about him not keeping promises. He promised me millions of dollars and unparalleled success, and so far, he’s delivered.”

When reminded of his obligation to spend the rest of eternity in the fires of hell, where his flesh will be ripped from his body by grotesque serpents, Houser had this to say:

“Ah, that’s all overblown. Satan has assured me it’s not that bad. He said that all I have to do is stick with him and I’ll be fine. Plus, I live in Miami. I’m used to the heat.”

Satan is not the only resident of hell who loves Grand Theft Auto. His associates are also quite taken with the game and they spend hours enjoying it.

“It’s pretty much unanimous that Sam and the boys did a bang up job with this thing” he said. “We all love it. Astaroth, Behemoth, Belial - even Forcas, that old wet towel, seems to enjoy it. You can’t argue with the fact that the game embodies the spirit of Gehenna. It’s vile, grotesque, evil, and it teaches children the joys of sadism. The only guy who hasn’t gotten into the game, really, is Azazel, Chief Standard Bearer of the Infernal Armies. But he’s just really old- fashioned. He still thinks Space Invaders is shockingly violent.”

For his part, Azazel claims that he doesn't object to the content of the game, but rather the methods it uses to communicate its philosophy.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for violence and sadism,” he said. “But back in my day, there was such a thing as subtlety. You know, we’d tempt people in really understated ways and rely on their inherent evil to do the rest. But this game is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. We’ve fallen pretty far from the golden years, when we tempted Christ for 40 days in the desert. What a masterful performance that was. Nowadays, we’d just have a machine do it for us. Just wait, if these video games get any more popular, Satan will be out of a job.”

Satan has always been a fan of video games and technology. But the latest generation of games has exceeded even his expectations. Virtual reality kill-fests like Manhunt, Mortal Kombat, and GTA have made his job as God Of All That Is Evil a heck of a lot easier.

“I’ve always loved video games,” Satan said. “Even when they first came out. They were pretty harmless back then, but anytime you can stick someone in front of a TV for hours on end, it can’t be a bad thing. After all, an idle mind is my playground. And how about this new game, Manhunt? You gotta go around killing people in all these different ways – innocent people, too. And then there’s some guy filming it who gets off on seeing people get killed. How fucking sick is that? Even I get a little squeamish while I’m playing. I’ve got a special spot reserved for whoever created that game. It won’t be so bad, though, as long as he doesn’t mind rolling a giant boulder up and down a hill over and over again for eternity. Heh heh. Don’t tell him I said that, though, OK?.”