Soccer Officials: “Soccer Is Cool”

DENVER--In an effort to boost lagging interest in the sport, Soccer officials held a press conference yesterday to issue a statement saying that, among other things, soccer is cool.

“We just want to remind the youth of America and the sports fans of America that soccer is cool,” said Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber. “It’s just really cool and we’d like everyone to know that. Thank you”

The bold new campaign to draw American enthusiasm to the world’s most beloved sport hasn’t sparked the flurry of interest that MLS was hoping. But officials say it’s still early and they are confident that Americans will someday appreciate the coolness of their sport.

“What people need to understand is that soccer is the national pastime of the world,” says Garber. “Everyone loves soccer. And Americans will too, someday. Just because it's not 'exciting' or 'interesting' doesn't mean it's not cool.”

Reaction from the public and sports media has been one of confusion. Apparently, the majority of Americans were under the impression that soccer is not cool at all. The grandiose statements by Garber and Co. have left more than a few people scratching their heads.

“Gee, I always thought that soccer was a pretty lame sport,” said a talk show caller to WFAN radio. “But now that the soccer people are claiming otherwise, I don’t know what to think. Maybe I should like it. After all, what the fuck do I know?”

The rest of the world has long criticized Americans for their indifference to soccer. Several attempts have been made to popularize the sport, but to no avail. Garber believes that communication is the problem, and that soccer officials are not doing enough to promote their sport. Basketball, for example, has marketed itself brilliantly in foreign markets and has become a global sport.

“The reason why we’re embarking on this ad campaign is that we don’t believe American sports fans know the facts about soccer,” said Garber. “We’re here to raise awareness that contrary to popular belief, soccer is cool. Really. 6 billion people cant all be wrong.”

At the very least, the ad campaign has people talking. Sports Illustrated dedicated a cover story to the subject entitled “Soccer: Is It Cool?” and analysts around the country are weighing in with their opinion.

George Bodenheimer, president of ESPN, echoes the statements of Garber and even goes a step further, saying that America needs soccer to fill a void.

Says Bodenheimer: “Americans are suffering from a serious shortage of sports and sports related programming, so any additional sports that come along should be embraced. They also need more professional athletes to worship and deify, they need more reasons to squander their money on gambling, and they need more excuses to sit on their asses and each cheese doodles. Besides, as my colleague so eloquently stated, soccer is cool.”

Despite the large amount of publicity the ad campaign is generating, most Americans are still apathetic about soccer. Studies show that only 12 percent of the country has ever watched a soccer game. Those statistics stand in stark contrast to Garber’s statement that soccer is cool.

“You know what I don’t understand about soccer?” asked Jay Marriotti of the Chicago Sun-Times. “They have that huge net, but they can’t kick that little tiny ball into it. Have you seen hockey? Tiny net, big guy standing in front of it. Lots of people pushing and shoving you as your tying to shoot. And oh yea, your on skates. Yet they score more than soccer players do. What the fuck?”

The lagging popularity of soccer behind such American mainstays as football and baseball is threatening to make a liar out of Don Garber.

“I think we have to consider the source,” says Marriotti. “He is the commissioner of Major League Soccer, so he may have ulterior motives. My guess is that he knows full well that soccer isn’t cool, and is misleading the American public. This is false advertising.”

Despite the protests from some in the media, the publicity campaign continues on. In addition to the press conference, Major League Soccer has reportedly purchased some advertising space in order to get the word out to more people.

“We all chipped in and took out a small ad in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette,” says Garber. “It’s right here, underneath the obituaries. We would’ve liked to do more, but money’s tight. Plus, a lot of people read the obituaries, so we should get a lot of exposure from that.”

If that doesn’t work, Garber and Major League Soccer may be out of ideas. Short of forcing people at gunpoint, there aren’t a lot of options left for the struggling league.

“Forcing people at gunpoint huh? Hmmm…no. I don’t think we could do that. Could we? I do own a gun. I was saving it to use on myself, but I think that might be a better idea.”