Study: Shitty Players Less Likely To Win MVP

MILWAUKEE, WI--According to a recent study conducted by baseball statistician Bill James, shitty players are almost 3 times less likely to win the Most Valuable Player award than good players are. The comprehensive study weighed statistics from the past twenty years and could help predict the winner in this year’s MVP race.

“This is quite an eye opening study,” said noted baseball analyst Harold Reynolds. “I’ve looked at the statistics and frankly, it's astonishing how similar they are. Every single player who’s won the MVP over the past twenty years has had good to excellent personal numbers. Judging from that, I think we can rule out Mike Maroth, the 20 game loser from the Tigers.”

The study was conducted in an attempt to discern some kind of pattern to the MVP selection process. Seemingly every year there is endless debate as to who will win the prestigious award, and this year is no different. The people who conducted the study hope to alleviate some of the confusion.

“It’s just a matter of crunching numbers,” says James. “From what we learned from our months of research, it is virtually impossible for a shitty player to win the MVP award. Just look at the last ten winners. Were any of them even the slightest bit shitty? No, not unless you count Terry Pendleton. But he was borderline shitty at best.”

Several of today’s players were distressed by the results of the study, most notably the shitty ones.
“Geez, that’s kind of disappointing,” said Brandon Philips, the Cleveland Indians 2nd baseman whose batting average hovered around the Mendoza line all year. “I guess I won’t be winning the MVP if this study has any truth to it. I certainly do qualify as shitty. I’m terrible.”

Another player who won’t be hoisting any trophies on his mantle this winter is Seattle third baseman Jeff Cirillo. Cirillo’s career has been on a downward spiral for some time now, and it looks as if his chances are slim to none.

“I’ve been lousy for quite some time now,” said Cirillo. “It goes back to last year, actually. I can vouch for that study. I was terrible last year, and I didn’t win. I guess you can’t argue with logic. Oh well, maybe next year.”

Some experts were not happy with the study, claiming that it takes some of the suspense out of the MVP race.

“Gee, thanks, Bill James,” said Peter Gammons. “Now we’ve got nothing to look forward too. If that study is credible, it eliminates over half the league. I know a lot of players who are going to be very unhappy with the results of that thing.”

Other people feel that the study is just another theory designed to predict what will happen in the unpredictable game of baseball.

“Baseball is unpredictable,” said analyst and former coach Bobby Valentine. “The games are played on the field. Awards are won on the field. That’s the beauty of it. I don’t care what some study says. You never know what’s going to happen. There are plenty of shitty, crappy players out there that have a legitimate shot at the MVP.”

Most, however, agree with the results of the study. They find nothing wrong with shitty players being deprived of the MVP award. If anything, it makes perfect sense.

“I never really thought of it this way, but it does kind of make sense,” says slugger Barry Bonds. “I guess that’s why people are always saying I should be MVP, because I’m really not that shitty. It is the most valuable player, so I suppose if you really think about it from a logical standpoint, that would eliminate a whole lot of shitty players. Maybe they should have a most shitty player award. I think that would be fair, since it would be open to anyone in the league, and not biased to people who are actually valuable.”

But does the MVP discriminate against the non-valuable? If so, baseball may have a fight on its hands. The players union has reportedly taken an interest in the study, claiming that all players deserve a fair shot at the award.

“We want to remind everyone that this is just a study,” said Union head Donald Fehr. “It’s not scientific fact. But if these findings turn out to be true, then we may file a complaint with the league. We feel that all players should be considered for the MVP, even the shitty ones. It’s a shame that the league doesn’t do more to promote and publicize it’s shitty, no-talent players. Perhaps that would influence the voters to be more open minded. We seriously hope that the writers of America are fair and accurate with their selection this year.”

At press time, the favorite for the national league MVP was Barry Bonds, an excellent player, and virtually all of the AL candidates were top-notch performers. Will this year be any different? Judging from the players being evaluated, it won’t. Like it or not, the award will probably once again be given to a valuable player. Shitty players may have to wait until next year.