Rob Dibble Visibly Aroused While Discussing Red Sox-Yankees Brawl

BRISTOL, CT--Rob Dibble, analyst for ESPN’s Baseball Tonight was visibly aroused while discussing Saturday’s brawl at the Red Sox-Yankees game. The excitable Dibble, himself a hard-nosed, tough player during his days with the Reds, clearly took great pleasure in the violent melee at Fenway Park. While commenting on the incident, he used adjectives such as “awesome”, “thrilling”, and “classic,”

“That brawl is the kind of thing that can really bring a team together,” he said, as a bulge slowly grew in his lap. “When Varitek and A-Rod were nose to nose, you could sense the excitement in the ballpark. It's moments like this that make the Red Sox and Yankees the classic rivalry that it is. If I see another fight like that, I may have an orgasm.”

Dibble spoke to Karl Ravech on the air just hours after the game. He had to be restrained by Baseball Tonight staffers after he finished a lengthy diatribe describing the awesomeness of the brawl.

“Oh my God. Oh my God,” shouted Dibble, as Ravech and the other analysts became increasingly uncomfortable. “Yes! Yes! Yes! The rivalry has reached a new level. Did you see how the benches cleared? Did you see how many punches were thrown? I’m telling you, the bloodshed in this game rivaled any game that I ever played in. I especially liked when Trot Nixon, David Ortiz, and Gabe Kapler beat the shit out of Tanyon Sturtz. That’s the kind of thing that galvanizes a team.”

Dibble then stood up, grabbed his chair and hurled it against the wall before turning on analyst Tim Kurkjian, whom he grabbed by the throat and attempted to strangle. It took several members of the camera crew to subdue him. Cameraman Gus Dickey recalled the incident:

“I’ve never seen anyone so worked up in my life,” said Dickey. “I couldn’t tell if he was happy or pissed or what, but he was definitely out of control. As he was strangling Tim, he was like ‘This is the kind of thing that can really bring this panel together! We’re galvanizing as a team! This is the shot in the arm we needed!’ It took four of us to pull him off the guy, and as we were dragging away, I noticed something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The guy had an erection the size of a Louisville Slugger.”

Dibble was a relief pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds from 1988 to 1993. His hard fastball and propensity for brushing hitters off the plate earned him the nickname “Nasty Boy.” He retired in 1995 and embarked on a successful career as a baseball analyst.

But retirement has not mellowed Rob Dibble. He approaches his job at Baseball Tonight with the same ferocity, toughness, and intensity that he took to the mound during his playing days. His colleagues at ESPN said that they could see the latest outburst coming a mile away.

“That was some kind of display he put on,” said Kurkjian. “But that’s the kind of guy he is. He really does enjoy the violent, barbaric aspects of the game. He totally gets a hard-on whenever a pitcher hits a batter. He thinks that’s the solution to everything.

“When we were discussing Kevin Millwood’s problems this year, he said ‘What he needs to do is come inside on some hitters, brush them off the plate.’ And when we talked about the A’s bullpen problems he said ‘Their problem is that the hitters are too comfortable up there. They need to start knocking people down.’ So you can imagine how excited he got during that brawl. I thought he was going to shit his pants.”

Meanwhile, Ravech reported that immediately after the Sox-Yankees game, Dibble headed to the editing room to supervise the creation of the highlight reel. He stood with the producers and technicians and watched obsessively as they pieced together the clip package.

“He was watching the whole thing with these maniacal eyes,” said Jeff Dirucco, Baseball Tonight producer. “He doesn’t usually take an interest in this stuff, but he wanted to make sure we really captured the fight in the proper context. While we were going through the footage, he kept reminding us to zoom in on the bloody face of [Tanyon] Sturtz. Then he complained that the background music was ‘too tame,’ and suggested ‘Seek and Destroy’ by Metallica. I was surprised at that. What, did he think we wanted to glorify the fight by placing an awesome heavy metal soundtrack in the background? That’s not what we’re about. Just kidding. It’s exactly what we’re about, and it was actually a pretty good idea.”

Later, Dibble claimed that the entire staff overreacted to his tirade.

“Jesus Christ, what is the big deal?” he asked, while under heavy sedation at his home in Hartford. “So I got a little pumped up. So I got a little carried away. It’s good to get carried away sometimes. As you can see from that memorable and classic brawl, sometimes that’s just what we need to give ourselves a shot in the arm. If you ask me, the whole damn show has been a little lackluster lately, and I for one am not about to sit around and watch us shit the bed. If it takes me attacking Tim to shake us out of our slumber, then so be it. I always hated Kurkjian anyway, that smug little bastard. Oh, I’m sorry Kurk-jian. You have to say it in the gayest way possible or he’ll get pissed.”