Ray Lewis Fed Up With Your Lack Of Intensity In The Weight Room

BALTIMORE--According to a report from a high ranking team official, linebacker and team captain Ray Lewis is fed up with your sissy boy attitude and your lack of intensity in the weight room. Teammates and coaches have reported that you’d better shape up or Lewis is going to kick your fucking ass.

“I don’t know what that guy’s thinking,” said quarterback Kyle Boller. “Ray doesn’t take kindly to people who don’t give it their all in the weight room. If we start losing games, Ray is going to look at the people who are loafing in their workout regimens. And I don’t wanna be around when that happens.”

According to team sources, the trouble started when you refused to attend voluntary workouts during the summer. Even though they are voluntary, it is widely assumed that everyone will show up, especially first, second, or third year players like yourself.

“Voluntary workouts are a must,” said wide receiver Travis Taylor. “Especially on this team. Last year I skipped the workouts because my wife just had a baby, and Ray showed up at our house to confront me about it. He started screaming those macho slogans at me, right on my doorstep. I told him the baby was sleeping, but he kept yelling ‘ARE YOU READY TO GO AND GET IT?’ and ‘ARE THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE?’ And then I quietly said ‘yes’ so I wouldn’t wake up the baby.”

After you refused to attend the voluntary workouts, your behavior and attitude only worsened, according to teammates and coaches. You consistently failed to show the kind of killer instinct that a professional football player needs in order to compete in this league. Anyone who doesn’t take to the weight room and the gridiron with the proper energy and focus puts their teammates at risk.

“It’s selfish and foolish,” said Coach Brian Billick. “We can’t have people being all namby-pamby in the weight room. And don’t think I’m up here in some ivory tower handing out orders. I hold myself to the same standards. Well, Ray does anyway. Just last week I was doing my daily stairmaster workout when I decided to cut out early. When Ray noticed I was taking off before my allotted time was complete, he ran over and started screaming at me. It took six guys to keep him back. But that’s what we love about Ray. You can’t fake that kind of insanity.”

Lewis prides himself on being one of the hardest workers in the league. His workouts are legendary, and he has become a surrogate coach during weight lifting sessions, making his way around the room and offering encouragement to his teammates. Lewis will not accept a lack of effort from anyone who shares his locker room.

“A lack of effort in the gym results in a lack of results on the field,” Lewis pointed out. “And nobody in my locker room will be accused of a lack of effort. Anyone who steps foot into my house better be ready to take it to the next level, because I live on the next level. And no third- year faggot [you] is gonna come into this dawg house and not give it a hundred percent effort! Make sure you spell that d-a-w-g, by the way.”

Lewis’s teammates credit him with being a skilled motivator. He leads by example, constantly outdoing his teammates and challenging them to push the boundaries of their endurance. The results have been extremely positive, as fear of Ray Lewis has made the Baltimore Ravens the most physically fit team in the NFL.

“If you stop lifting, he really gets in your face,” said tight end Todd Heap. “Look at me, I’m fuckin huge, and you know why? Because I’m afraid of Ray Lewis. Fear is a great motivator.”

Heap added that his teammates' respect for Ray Lewis is evident in their pre-game rituals.

“Every Sunday before gametime we gather in a circle and Ray gets in the middle and gets everyone all jacked up. If you’re not all jacked up, you better fake it because Ray’s jacked up. When he screams ‘ARE THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE?’ we all bark in unison. He repeats it over and over, and we bark over and over. I’m not sure what it all means, but when Ray Lewis asks if the dogs are in the house, you bark.”

He added that everybody on the team has bought into Ray Lewis’s philosophy of personal sacrifice and self-discipline. Everyone, that is, except you. Locker room sources claim that your constant lack of intensity and fire has led to a decline in your play on the field, and that your refusal to participate in testosterone fueled pre-game rituals is driving a wedge between you and your teammates – and endangering your life.

Said Coach Billick: “One bad apple spoils the whole bunch. We can’t afford any weak links. Ray’s right. The opposing team is working hard, but we’ve got to work harder. We’ve got to protect this house. Woof Woof.”

But Lewis insists he hasn’t given up hope for you yet. He plans on keeping the pressure on and making sure that you fulfill your obligation to your teammates, coaches, and fans. He will not tolerate your pussy-boy mentality in his house.

“When I’m through with that motherfucker he won’t even know what hit him,” Lewis said. “He needs to learn, that’s all. Pain is only temporary. The pain of bench pressing and squatting is nothin compared to the pain of me wrapping my hands around your neck and chokin the life outta you, bitch. You think I’m jokin?”

Lewis went on to quote the Bible, claiming that your lack of effort is a disgrace to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“Matthew 23:16 – ‘Thou shalt always dig deep and take it to the next level, motherfucker, especially in the weight room’. Got that? Not take it to the next level, bitch - Go after it! Or me and God’s gonna kick your fuckin ass, motherfucker.”