Report: Teams Other Than Red Sox, Yankees May Exist

NEW YORK--A recent report in Sports Illustrated implies that baseball teams other than the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox may actually exist. The controversial report also indicates that a third team actually played in, and won, the 2003 World Series. Numerous officials have dismissed the report as “baseless and untrue.”

“I don’t know where SI is getting their information,” said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons. “Anyone who reads the papers or watches Sportscenter knows that Major League Baseball consists of two teams: the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees. This kind of irresponsible reporting is giving sports journalism a bad name.”

The report, written by Tom Verducci, names several American cities, as well as two Canadian ones, that may actually possess their own baseball franchises.

“Some of the allegations are pretty shocking,” said ESPN’s Jayson Stark. “I, myself, have heard rumors about these so-called ‘other teams’ but I haven’t seen anything conclusive to convince of their existence until now. This report raises some interesting points. For instance, if the Red Sox didn’t win this year’s World Series and the Yankees didn’t win this year’s World Series, who did? And why was there a championship parade in downtown Miami for a baseball team called the ‘Marlins’ who claimed they were World Series champs? If baseball is hiding something, I think it’s time to come clean.”

Other evidence cited in the report includes the fact that the Yankees and Red Sox do not play each other 162 times a year. Are they spending the rest of their time playing these other mystery teams?

“Nobody’s ever really stopped to consider what the Red Sox and Yankees do on days when they are not playing each other,” said noted baseball scholar George Will. “It’s a tough question, but an intriguing one. There is some convincing evidence of the existence of other teams, but for me, seeing is believing. I’m not going to believe in some cockamamie theory just because Tom Verducci says it’s true. I’m also not going to let these frantic conspiracy theorists sullen the name of Major League Baseball. Only two teams exist – the Red Sox and Yankees.”

But the most convincing arguments have come from baseball players, coaches, and owners who swear they have played or do play on some of these other teams. Alex Rodriguez, one of the game’s biggest stars, insists that he plays in the state of Texas for a team called the Texas Rangers.

“I play for the Rangers,” said Rodriguez. “This is insane. Look, I even have a Texas Rangers hat. It has a little 'T' on it for ‘Texas’. I’ve also played for the Seattle Mariners. There are lots more teams out there than the Yankees and Red Sox, but none that really matter. And by the way, if you talk to the Sox or Yanks, tell them to call me. Here’s my number”

Barry Bonds, the best player in the game, claims that he plays for a team called the San Francisco Giants. He says that just because the Red Sox and Yankees get all the attention doesn’t mean they’re the only team.

“They just get all the press cause they’re the Red Sox and Yankees,” said Bonds. “But there are lots of other teams. I know because I play on one. The Giants. A lot of people have never heard of us because we’re so far from the East Coast, where the Yankees and Red Sox live. Reporters pretty much ignore us because the Sox and Yankees are so compelling and exciting. Talking to those guys, you’d think that all they care about is selling newspapers.”

George Steinbrenner, Yankees owner, has yet to comment publicly on the report, but has acknowledged that there may be other teams in the league.

“Other teams? Yea, there’s that team over there in Queens. What’s their name? The um…ah…oh, I don’t know. There’s also a team in Cleveland, according to Major League and Major League II. But that’s just a movie. Only a Hollywood screenwriter could come up with a world so strange that anyone would be concerned with a baseball team other than the Red Sox and Yankees. Somebody told me today there might be a franchise in Milwaukee. Preposterous! Milwaukee is the home of the Green Bay Packers and Laverne and Shirley, not baseball.”

Steinbrenner’s statement is echoed by the Sox’ General Manager, Theo Epstein.

“I’m not sure if there are other teams out there, but I am sure that the American people are not concerned one way or the other. The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is so exciting that those other teams, if they even exist, are completely inconsequential. I just wish people would stop with this whole ‘other teams’ thing and enjoy the fabulous Red Sox-Yankees rivalry.”

But the other teams have decided to break their long silence. 25 so-called teams took out a full-page ad in the New York Times, explaining that they do exist, and some cases, actually compete.

The ad read: “We would like to assure America that other teams do exist in the Major Leagues. There is proof of this everywhere. Just this fall the Florida Marlins won the World Series. The Chicago Cubs nearly got to the World Series, and so did the Oakland A’s. If you still don’t believe us, check the MLB.com website. It lists thirty teams.”

The ad has convinced a lot of people with its seemingly indisputable evidence, but not everyone is sold. Peter Gammons still believes the whole thing will blow over soon enough.

“These conspiracy theorists would have you believe that there are teams other than the Yankees and Red Sox out there. They would also have you believe that we’ve been visited by little green men and that JFK was killed by his own government. I really believe this thing will be proven false and it will blow over. Baseball has enough off field problems to be concerned about. Perhaps its time we forget about all the controversy and squabbling and think about the next trade the Red Sox and/or Yankees will make. That’s what America really wants to hear.’